MIKE Reporting On

My Top 10 Befuddling Baseball Bits

2011-10-26T11:00:00.000-04:00

Spending lots of downtime at Tropicana Field this week watching the NY Yanks take on the Tampa Bay Rays, I found myself bemused by lots of befuddling baseball bits.

Here's a list of my top ten:

#10 Why do we refer to poles being foul when they're clearly located in fair territory.

#9 Why the stolen bases out there never get sold, pawned or even brought home as a trophy.

#8 Why I hardly ever see a readying on-deck batter actually standing in the on-deck circle.

#7 Why fans continue to tolerate hecklers who think behaving like a bufoon is really a good thing.

#6 Why rotund baseball managers still insist on wearing too-tight outfits that look more like spray-on Halloween costumes than true team uniforms.

#5 Why players adjust their fellas and poke their packages when every fan in the stadium is watching . . . and fans at home are cringing as they watch up-close on their HDTV.

#4 Who's the marketing genius that created microscopic sized dessert particles known as Dippin' Dots . . . and why do hoards of fans pay around 75 cents a dot for each of them.

#3 Stupid Statistics. Do I care how many times lefty batters whiff during rain delayed night games in August?

#2 Clueless baseball fans singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame!" when they've been already sitting there for over six innings.

#1 Who was the rumdum who called the catcher's protector a cup when no sane person on the planet would ever consider drinking from it?

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!

http://www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Minnesota Vikings' Peterson Receives Twitter's Inaugural NFL Award

2011-03-17T16:44:00.000-04:00

(Satire) Last night Twitter, the world's pre-eminent micro-blogging social media site, presented its inaugural NFL Twit Head of the Year Award for reckless remarks to Minnesota Vikings' All Pro RB Adrian Peterson.

Twitter initially planned to award the gleaming NFL Crystal Ball Twit Head Trophy to a worthy NFL personality at the start of its next season. NFL Twit Head Award finalists included megolomaniac Cincinnati Bengal WR Chad Ochocinco, oft-retired sexting QB Brett Farve, and AFC Title Game Runner-up NY Jets coach, the bombastic Rex Ryan.

However, due to failed NFL labor negotiations, coupled with Adrian Peterson's recent comments likening his professional football employment to slavery, Twitter management considered the timing more than ripe to present this inaugural and inglorious distinction.

Peterson appeared nervous on television receiving his Twitter award as well as during his acceptance speech. Though admittedly earning a whopping $10.72 million this year, the Viking star RB stressed that his regrettable racially incendiary "slave wages" remarks were taken out of context, even though he expressed them twice.

Prone to putting the pigskin on the turf during big NFL games, Peterson proceeded to provide a near perfect repeat performance during this inaugural Twitter event. In a major ooops! move, Peterson inexplicably fumbled the gleaming glass trophy while being escorted off stage. The fall created a sea of glass shards sparkling across the floor.

When questioned about Peterson's unexpected coughing up of the now shattered NFL Twit Head of the Year Award, Twitter executives downplayed AP's mishandling of the ball. "Not a problem. Adrian's slavery remarks were so reckless, Twitter is willing to re-present him with replacement shatterproof trophies. We're designing twin Twit Heads, one for each time he uttered his careless comments."

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee ultimate talking head on sports!

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Spring's Maddening Sickness of NCAA College Basketball

2011-03-17T15:08:00.000-04:00

With swift and unapologetic fury, the same sickness attacks me every March.

Rendering me nearly powerless, this early Spring malaise - far worse than any cold, virus or flu -devours my energy, cripples my logical thinking and negates any thought of normality in my life for nearly 30 days.

This month the same invisible power has wielded its ugly head and smitten me once again. In the past family, friends and colleagues pleaded with me to seek a cure for the insanity this unseen force wreaks in my life during March.

Reluctantly, I followed their beckoning calls and sought professional care. Eager to help, these experts offered little hope for recovery while others lamented that I simply didn't want to be cured.

Neurologists from John Hopkins Medical Center diagnosed severe, but not terminal, brain abnormalities. Psychiatrists and sociologists from the University of California at Berkeley detected extreme shifts in emotion coupled with rabid anti-social behavior. Even celebrated theologians from the Vatican speculated about some overpowering spirit requiring an exorcism.

However, two budding Bracketologists out of Bloomington, Indiana diagnosed my condition immediately. These pimply faced, 15-year-olds instantly recognized my symptoms and pinpointed my acute abnormality. Why? Because they, too, experience the same condition every Spring. Their revelation mystified medical experts and stupefied both theologians and behavioral scientists alike, yet their simple findings brought me a major sigh of relief. Peace descended upon me instantaneously, soothing my soul to its core.

I know now what slays me every Spring and I relish - embrace - this sickness.

This Maddening Spring Sickness is also known as March Madness, and boy, did I catch another baaaaad case! But instead of prescribing drugs, recommending group therapy or offering up endless prayers, these kids from Indiana told me to enjoy the disease, allow the sickness to fully run its course and be grateful I was chosen to endure the illness. More than that, these high schoolers recommended that I, by no means, attempt to hasten my recovery. They confidently assured me that this extreme malady would miraculously disappear by midnight EST the first Monday in April . . . as it faithfully does every year.

As further proof of their diagnosis, the same pubescent basketball junkies claim that my condition is no different than that of thousands of other cases. These boys shared similar stories of other Bracketologists beset by a strikingly similar springtime condition. As empirical proof, they cited cases popping up in Durham, NC; Lexington, KY; Spokane, WA; Lawrence, KS; and northeastern cities like Pittsburgh, Syracuse and Philly.

Again this year, major hot spots for the disease were coming from every conceivable socially-economically-geographically-racially-educationally unbiased demographics across the country. Growing in intensity, this Maddening Spring Sickness is not only striking across the USA but also around the globe where fans are equipped with the proper satellite and Internet access. Roundball experts have cited the sickness as a worldwide epidemic, challenging the likes of the CDC and even the International Red Cross.

Yup! March Madness has once again gripped me, pulsating uncontrollably through my veins. Symptoms like sleep deprivation, strong bouts of euphoria, irrational guttural screams and obsessive-compulsive behavior have overtaken me. I'll soon be uttering an endless array of scores, stats, pregame analysis and RPI ratings. I'll even debate conference strength of schedules and prognosticate regional brackets.

Like a zombie, I'll hypnotically trudge through mid-March and into early April never parting with my remote. I'll divide my time between the big LCD screen on my TV, the smaller LCD screen on my WiFi notebook and the even smaller LCD screen on my iPhone. Forget about regular, normal relationships.

Like some co-dependent alien, I'll only be able to communicate coherently with others who share the same physical and psychological condition. Sweating profusely and biting my nails incessantly, I'll be texting and mumbling phrases like Sweet Sixteen; Another Cinderella Advances; Buzzer Beater; Raining 3's; Diaper Dandy; Box Out; Shooting Out the Lights; and my personal favorite - Double Overtime Barn Burner!

Wow, what a sickness! I say, bring it on every March. Give me a double dose and don't ever try to cure me.

Please don't stop this March Madness. Don't ever stop this Madness.

Thank you, young men from Bloomington, IN for diagnosing my condition.

I just love this disease.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - thee American Made Voice On Sports!

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

FIFA Awards 2022 World Cup to Qatar (Satire)

2010-12-06T08:44:00.004-05:00

(Satire) On December 2, 2010, FIFA officially announced Qatar as host country of the 2022 World Cup.

FIFA's surprising selection of this little known, oft-mispronounced Persian Gulf Emirate is cited as a "courageous step into new territory." Yea, kinda like intentionally marching right off the nearest cliff!

Despite Qatar's location in a politically unstable region with no football (soccer) playing history and scorching desert heat that could melt an Adidas soccer ball, FIFA President Seth Blatter boldly proclaimed, "The World Cup will now go to new lands!"

The President's confident comment prompted immediate worldwide reaction from incredulous soccer enthusiasts - many sarcastically suggesting that FIFA could also have chosen Mars - whose lunar landscape, extreme weather conditions and non-existent population base closely mirror that of the newly appointed 2022 host nation.

Nevertheless, FIFA's daring decision to challenge conventional thinking by voting Qatar as the 2022 World Cup host immediately galvanized other audacious moves in the sports world; namely:

In Lausanne, Switzerland - International Olympic Committee President Jacques Bogge quickly named Honolulu, Hawaii over Annecy, France; Munich, Germany; and Pyeongchang, South Korea as host city of the 2018 Winter Olympic games. Bogge noted that Waikiki's beautiful weather couldn't be any warmer than what skiiers, bob sledders and skaters experienced at the 2010 Winter Games held in Vancouver, BC.

In New York City - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell awarded Dhaka, Bangladesh as site of Super Bowl 53. Defending this newest venue, Goodell noted that despite knowing nothing about this uniquely American sport, this Third World country holds manufacturing rights to most of the NFL licensed apparel and certainly deserves a run as host city to the event.

In Charlotte, North Carolina - NASCAR officials announced a new Interstate 95 Race as part of its Spring Cup series. NASCAR President Mike Helton boasted that the Interstate's well established infrastructure up and down the eastern seaboard would allow increased visibility for the sport while showcasing the excellence of NASCAR drivers as they deftly navigate rush hour traffic on both the NJ Turnpike and Washington, DC's famed Beltway.

Finally, back in the celebrating city of Doha, Qatar, fashion designers unveiled (no pun intended) a dazzling black burqa as official female apparel for World Cup 2022. Now, not only the women of Qatar but every female fan expecting to attend the event can don this chic new cover-up while they brave the Arab Emirate's blazing sun and daily temperatures of 118 degrees.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Auburn QB Cam Newton Cleared by NCAA for SEC Championship Game

2010-12-04T08:36:00.000-05:00

(Satire) This week the NCAA declared Auburn University star QB Cam Newton eligible to play in Saturday's SEC championship game versus Steve Spurrier's South Carolina Gamecocks.

Emboldened and energized by the NCAA's decision, Newton's embattled father Cecil escalated his future demands regarding his Heisman hopeful son.

The elder Newton mandated these Mariah Carey-type diva demands, requiring that:

The Heisman Trophy would need to be plated in 18 carat gold, so that is Cam is ultimately selected, Cecil could melt down the metal to help cover his burgeoning legal expenses.

Frito Lay would need to name a new chip after the younger Newton if the stellar QB advances past South Caroline to the Tostitos BCS championship game in Glendale, Arizona on January 10, 2011.

Dell Computers would need to funish Cam with a lifetime supply of laptops, so that the pilfering QB prodigy wouldn't be tempted to steal another on in the future, further risking his NFL eligibility and marketability.

Cecil Newton could not be reached for comment. He was purportedly behind closed doors, shamelessly offering would be sports agent Kenny Rogers a second chance of bringing in bigger bucks, while Cam is still eiligible.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Facebook's New Sports Feature (satire)

2010-10-01T12:11:00.000-04:00

Coinciding perfectly with today's release of The Social Network movie, Facebook has introduced a new feature of its own - certain to become every sports fan's favorite.

Filling an urgent need on the web's most celebrated social site, Facebook's new Dis-Like button combats the shameless self-promotion of the sports world's biggest unbridled egos by affording frustrated fans the opportunity to stem the internet's newest STD (socially transmitted disease, that is) of tasteless sports celebrity hype.

Certain to become the web's latest viral sensation, Facebook's limited edition Dis-Like button is patterned after Homeland Security's color coded threat advisory system and reserved only for the most overblown egos in the sports world.

Facebook's new sports specific, multi-tiered feature allows users to display their personal distaste for self-absorbed jocks using this brilliantly simple annoyance alert system.

Wanna K.O. T.O.'s mindless chatter? Press the new yellow Dis-Like button for elevated annoyance and choose a complimentary Bag of Hot Air emoticon to appear next to the Bengal receiver's name and picture.

Wanna Deep 6 Ocho Cinco and drive Chad a little poco loco? Press the new orange Dis-Like button for high annoyance which will automatically attach a Thumbs Down icon next to Chad's photo, so your Facebook Friends can share their same Dis-Like with all of their Facebook Friends....up to 85 times apiece.

Wanna Short Circuit Shaq? Press the new red Dis-Like button for severe annoyance which automatically shuts down this shameless self-promoter on your Wall and instantly reports Big Diesel's boorish behavior to Facebook's on-line police.

Social network experts predict that Facebook's new sports feature will quickly emerge as the perfect antidote for overblown egos of overconfident athletes whose excessive self-promotion is crying out for curtailment.

Liking Facebook's new Dis-Like button - soon to be every sports fan's favorite.

This is MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans

ESPN Announces Dancing with the Stars Spin-off (Satire)

2010-09-19T18:45:00.005-04:00

Dancing with the Stars kicks off Monday on ABC.

In a surprise twist, Dancing with the Stars' (DWTS) unparalleled success has now spawned a spin-off sports show slotted for next spring on affiliate network ESPN. Aptly named Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars, the series is hustling to assemble its ESPN All-Star line-up as famous felons, foolish philanderers and other celebrated sports figures boasting run-ins with the law are competing for the show's Mirrorball Trophy.

While most elements remain under wraps, TMZ has leaked details of the spring 2011 season of Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars series.

Viewers will witness legendary jocks in the show's familiar holding tank as they ready to appear before a live audience with studio judges Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli and Len Goodman. However, while recent DWTS stars typically found standing before judges intimidating, executive producers at ESPN believe their crop of culpable contestants will be fully confident, especially considering their previous courtroom appearances and prior criminal records.

Exactly which professional dancers will be assigned to the Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars inaugural line-up is yet to be cast in concrete. However, ESPN producers have locked up early commitments from several parole model sports stars and have already selected a few opening night numbers for these five philanderers and currently unfettered offenders.

Top golfer Tiger Woods, who routinely demonstrated superior skill in stepping out during his former marriage, will perform the Quick Step to Carrie Underwood's "Maybe Next Time He'll Think Before He Cheats".

Boxing champion Floyd Mayweather, Jr., who was recently indicted on multiple charges to include domestic battery, is currently slated to perform the Paso Dobles to Pat Benitar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot".

Legendary pitcher Roger Clemens, who has been needled unmercifully by the Press concerning his future incarcerated state, has been unintentionally - yet ironically - booked for Boogieing to Elvis' "Jailhouse Rock".

Suspended NFL QB and former Super Bowl MVP Ben Roethlisberger, who continued his carnal craving for curvaceous coeds, will be choreographed slithering across the dance floor to Charlie Daniels' "The Devil Went Down to Millidgeville, Georgia".

NY Yankee 3B Alex Rodriguez, whose self-centered reputation prompted producers to part with the DWTS tradition of two-party routines, was selected to be its first contestant ever to dance alone in the competition, Free Styling to Carly Simon's "You're So Vain".

While scores of current and former athletes have lined up to break in to ESPN's Dancing with Parole Model Sports Stars' inaugural season, a few defendants, ah, contestants, fell through. DWTS host Tom Bergeron reported on athletes who purportedly took issue with ESPN's selection of songs for their first night's routines. They included:

Las Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant, who refused to perform the Polks to John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High Colorado".

Former NFL RB great OJ Simpson, who declined to dance the Fox Trot to "I Fought the Law and the Law Won".

And, finally, NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor, who refused to dance the new Horizontal Mambo to the tune of the classic 1959 hit, "Teen Angel".

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Reggie Bush's Heisman Decision Prompts Other NFL Promises

2010-09-17T19:32:00.004-04:00

Widespread speculation surrounding the NCAA's investigation finding that Reggie Bush and his family accepted cash and gifts from fledgling California sports agents prompted the 2005 Heisman winner to return the venerated Trophy.

The New Orleans Saints RB star's surprising decision spawned a series of other unlikely NFL players, coaches and teams to proffer these proclamations and generate the following gracious gestures.

NY Jets' cocky, corpulent coach Rex Ryan committed to construct a much better football team than the highly overrated one that never showed up for last Sunday night's nationally televised game on NBC.

Arizona Cardinals' management moved to waive 1st round pick Matt Leinart, so that the ex-USC QB bust could hone his skills and compete for a starting job on his old Pop Warner football team.

Tampa Bay Bucs, after an embarrassing opening day media blackout, vowed to draw more fans in the stands at Raymond James Stadium for their 2011 season kick-off than the total number of players who participated on the field in last week's battle between the Bucs and Browns.

New England Patriots' WR Randy Moss and Washington Redskins RB Clinton Portis guaranteed they'll continue to offer juicy, inane and selfish sound bites with Terrell Owens type flair until Commission Roger Goodell opts to step in and squash their reckless rants.

NJ Jets CB Antonio Cromartie, responding to HBO Hard Knocks' criticism of his irresponsible sexual behavior, pledged to remember the names and sexes of the seven children he fathered with six separate women in five different states during continuous one night stands over the past few years.

ESPN's John Clayton reports that the Heisman Trust in NYC will present Bush's return Trophy to the 2005 runner-up Vince Young as soon as they can identify the latest strip club where the former Texas QB is purported to spend all his time.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports.

www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Third Member of Notre Dame's Holy Trinity of Football Attacked

2010-09-13T13:10:00.004-04:00

More shocking news reverberated around the Catholic football world this weekend, causing faithful Fighting Irish fans to fear for their eternal football salvation.

The third member of Notre Dame's venerated Holy Trinity of football, the Leprechaun, suffered an unexpected, unprecedented verbal attack during the school's nationally televised game versus the University of Michigan.

Unruly Wolverine fans unmercifully poked fun at the miniature bean pole clad in kelly green short shorts, knee high argyles and corny corn cob pipe. Fans from Ann Arbor taunted the Irish mascot to tears in his own stadium, suggesting that he couldn't intimidate a Teletubby and proffering that the pugnacious pixie shameless beat out a 90 year old nun for his mascot job. The unprovoked assault on Notre Dame's little greenie weenie comes at a precarious time in the history of the university's storied college football program.

Irish football fans were still reeling from two shocking incidences this year which nearly caused the gold dome on the South Bend campus to crumble and the Holy Trinity of Notre Dame football to unravel.

The first attack occurred last summer when a bolt of lightning struck Touch Down Jesus' iconic statue and sparked an ominous blow to Catholic football's Ground Zero. The second startling blow took place only last week as ND alumnus and Hall of Fame Super Bowl QB Joe Montana sacrilegiously questioned the authenticity of the athletic career of the school's beloved Rudy of major motion picture fame.

Finally, when this weekend's verbal effrontery by the Michigan fans forced the Notre Dame leprechaun to shake in his shamrock shorts, it appeared as if the bedrock under the Catholic football world would be irreparably shaken.

However, in true Catholic tradition, rosaries have been recited, candles have been lit and special masses have been said. To date, the plaster statue of Touch Down Jesus has been repaired. Rudy's reputation will be ultimately restored. And chances are good that Notre Dame's legendary Leprechaun will more than likely live on through this latest attack.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!

Nike May Recall New Tim Tebow Shoes

2010-08-19T09:46:00.004-04:00

Facing mounting pressure from special interest groups and the United States government, Nike may recall its new limited edition Tim Tebow Air Trainers.

The blue and orange Tebow endorsed shoes, which sold out on nikestore.com within 5 minutes last week, have sparked a firestorm of protests. Among the disgruntled groups are:

Southern Baptists, calling for a boycott of the sneaker giant, expressed outrage at Nike for naming the new Tebow shoe the Air Trainer 1.2 instead of the John 3:16.

Jesse Jackson, threatening to picket Denver Bronco home games this season, assailed Nike for failing to offer similar shoe deals to other NFL back-up quarterbacks of color.

Pro Choice groups, still steaming from the QB's Pro Life Super Bowl ad earlier this year, protested that the Tebow endorsed shoes infringe upon a woman's constitutional right to choose. Pro Choicers plan to boycott not only Nike, but also Jockey, Bible makers and all other products associated with the evangelical NFL rookie.

The ACLU, claiming the Promise decal on the the shoes' heel is another Tebow attempt to proselytize his faith, filed suit in Federal Court against the NFL to protect every American football fan's fundamental right to separation of church and state.

Finally, Homeland Security reporting that any purchaser wearing the new Tebow shoes demonstrated an ability to walk on water while leaving no discernable footprints in the sand, raised its Threat Level to Red. The Department feared that terrorists would go undetected if they wore the new Tebow shoes.

However, Cincinnati safety Kyries Hebert was quick to challenge Homeland Security's charge by offering, "The new Tebow shoes may not leave footprints in the sand, but when #15 runs over you on the goal line, they definitely engrave cleat marks on your forehead."

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports.
www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Kim Kardashian Now Linked to NY Yankee Legend

2010-08-16T22:32:00.001-04:00

"It's like deja-vu all over again!"

Kim Kardashian, famous for being famous for foraging after flashy football players, is once again romantically linked to another celebrity athlete - this time a jock from a different sport. And it's not soccer super star Cristiano Rinaldo or hooper Lebron James.

Hint. . . he's a lifelong NY Yankee, but it's not Derek Jeter. No, not even A-Rod.

This weekend, TMZ caught Kim Kardashian cuddling in a corner at Kutsher's in the Catskills with none other than legendary NY Yankee Yogi Berra. Yup, Berra, as in the original Yogi and former Bronx Bomber all star catcher and manager.

TMZ photographed the curious couple biting into their blintzes at the retirement resort's 4pm early bird buffet. The octogenarian has reportedly fallen fast for the flirtatious Kim, who bears a striking resemblance to ol' No. 8's great-granddaughter's niece.

Though the news shocked Kim's fans, it didn't rock either of Kim's gold digging sisters. Khloe commented that Kim was unfulfilled while linked to future Hall of Famers and wanted the immediate gratification of having a revered sports icon at her side.

Kourtney advised Kim to hook her Hall of Famer now . . . even if her new beau's bronze bust was bestowed in Cooperstown four decades ago!

ESPN reported that Berra bested another potential suitor and nuptial contender, NY Jets Superbowl III hero Joe Namath. Although Broadway Joe purportedly texted Kim hourly and sent bountiful bouquets of flowers to her LA digs, Kim shared with confidants that the 67-year-old Joe Willie was just too young and fell short of Kim's "bling" prerequisites. Joe only won one Super Bowl ring and two MVP awards during his career, while Yogi amassed three MVP trophies and a whopping 13 World Series titles.

For the guy who said, "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore," let's see how Yogi handles the socialite's prodigious penchant for pearls, paparazzi and panache.

Kris Kardashian Jenner, Kim's maternal role model and sports celebrity marrying mom, voiced concern over her eldest daughter's choice for a new paramour. However, Berra immediately reinforced his commitment to keep up with the 30-year-old Kardashian, echoing quotes he made famous decades ago.

"In spite of our fifty year age disparity . . . . our similarities are just different." Then, Berra boyishly beamed, "I'm optimistic, and this relationship ain't over till it's over."

So, let's keep a careful watch over the lovable Berra. Because with Kim Kardashian in the mix, like Yogi says, "It's like deja-vu all over again."

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Another NY Jet Bitter Contract Dispute

2010-08-12T21:10:00.001-04:00

Bitter contract disputes may thwart this year's NY Jets' Super Bowl run.

The NY Jets announced today that another key member of its organization is seeking a lucrative long term deal and has still not reported to the team's training camp.

In addition to all pro cornerback Darrelle Revis, Jets' Towel Boy (name withheld for fear of retribution from team's rabid fans) is holding out after just one good year in the locker room. Towel Boy is demanding his contract be renegotiated to include more guaranteed money, a better supply of ultra fabric softener and the new commercial grade, super capacity Whirlpool Pro with tumble dry and special heated racks.

Towel Boy's agents scoffed at what they considered to be the Jets' recent paltry offer. Citing last year's deal signed by an Oakland Raiders' locker room attendant (name also withheld because it's impossible to pronounce, let alone spell), agents argued that the Jets' star Towel Boy is far better at gathering, washing, rinsing and folding than his Left Coast counterpart and should be paid appropriately for his domestic dexterity and all star skills.

Jets' coach and prodigious perspirer Rex Ryan intervened, offering to have Towel Boy and his entourage sit down with Jets players and management to hammer out a new deal. Ryan ranted, "We need towels and we need them now! It's hot out there and our guys are really sweating."

HBO's "Hard Knocks" also reported that Towel Boy may be receiving misguided counsel from a cousin, a former star NFL equipment manager and graduate of the same Big East university in western Pennsylvania.

Until Jets owner Woody Johnson resolves the Revis and Towel Boy drama, Jets' players have been grudgingly bringing their own towels to practice.

NY Jets management will need to stop the spin cycle of the Revis and Towel Boy talks soon; otherwise, Gang Green's chances of a 2011 Super Bowl title may be all washed up.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports
www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Coca-Cola's Vitamin Water Confession

2010-08-10T16:09:00.006-04:00

Sports fans are still laughing after learning last week that Coca-Cola admitted in US District Court that its sports drink Vitamin Water is not a healthy beverage and that it violates FDA food fortification and product naming guidelines.

Imagine that! Only a handful of actual vitamins in a sports drink called Vitamin Water from our "health conscious" friends at Coca-Cola, makers of the "nutritiously rich" Fanta, Fresca, TAB, Pibb Xtra and Mellow Yellow soft drink brands.

So, who will be the next national advertiser who needs to come clean with the American sports fan?

Will Gatorade finally disclose what's actually in you...or us...or it?

Will Nike implore customers to finally stop doing it, i.e. overpaying for their ridiculously over-priced sneakers and athletic apparel?

Will AT&T change its slogan to "Fewer Bars in More Places" to more accurately reflect its at times woeful cellular service?

Will Budweiser report that the same flat-stomached, buxom blondes in their commercials never actually drink their weight gaining product?

Will GEICO fess up that they may have saved you 15% in car insurance, but they raised your deductible to $5,000?

And will McDonald's, Burger King and Taco Bell all be forced to admit that most of their fast food has less nutritional value than say.....Coca-Cola's Vitamin Water?

You get my drift.

I probably could have thiught up plenty more examples of these artificial ads, but I didn't take a Lunesta and stay at a Holiday Inn last night.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Albert Haynesworth Passes Redskins' Test - Satire

2010-08-08T11:30:00.003-04:00

Washington Redskins' defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth finally passed his mandatory conditioning test yesterday at the team's practice facility in Ashburn, VA.

Haynesworth successfully completed two sets of back-and-forth 25-yard sprints, passing two dozen buffet tables laden with barbequed ribs, Southern fried chicken, hot biscuits and gravy, and double-dipped chocolate donuts with sprinkles . . . all in under the required four minutes with just a ninety minute nap in between.

With iceburg quickness, Haynesworth exhibited amazing willpower as he lumbered by both rows of bountiful fried feasts and delectable desserts.

Redskins coach Mike Shanahan praised his $100M+ defensive tackle's poise under pressure, commenting, "The fried chicken smelled and looked especially good!"

However, Shanahan feared Haynesworth may have re-tweeked his sore left knee shortly before ending his obligatory run when Big 92 stopped, in cruise ship type suddenness, for a second whiff of the barbequed spare ribs.

Washington's medical staff quickly reported that Haynesworth's knee would be re-examined and that the run stopper's daily diet of carrots, sesame seeds, tofu and a 6 oz. lean chicken breast would be closely monitored.

Haynesworth, who had not spoken to the media before Saturday, publicly thanked Biggest Loser's Jillian Michaels for coaching through this arduous and tempting ordeal.

The Redskins' star lineman now faces his next big test. Can he successfully get off the field when substituted . . . .before the NFL's 25 second play clock expires . . . or will he need to stop for a snack before reaching the sidelines?

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!
http://www.facebook.com/theemikefans

Knuckleheaded Knicks

2010-08-07T07:00:00.001-04:00

Tell me James Dolan and Donnie Walsh aren't a couple of Knuckleheaded Knicks.

What on earth were they thinking? I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or scream upon learning the news that these two senior NBA executives re-signed former NY Knicks President and Coach Isaiah Thomas as a special consultant to their organization.

Dolan's and Walsh's decision to rehire Thomas is deplorably, ridiculously, irresponsibly disgusting. Their knuckledheaded move sends the WRONG message.....that anyone can get rehired by your former employee even after you:

1. fail miserably at your job as a coach with a woeful 23-59 record in 2007-08

2. cost your former bosses $11.6 million to settle a lawsuit you caused

3. sexually harass a woman who worked for you

and worse yet...

4. throw your very own daughter under the proverbial bus when the police respond to your home to investigate your purported drug overdose / suicide.

I'm very curious to see whether self-righteous NBA Commissioner David Stern, so protective of the league's declining image, weighs in on this abhorent NY Knicks news.

In a professional basketball league where "Amazing Happens" there should never be any room for the reprehensible decisions of Knuckleheaded Knicks.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American Made Voice on Sports!
www.facebook.com/theemikefans

No Penance for Pitino

2010-08-06T10:33:00.003-04:00

Another fallen skirt chaser in the sports world will not be disciplined.

University of Louisville Athletic Director Tom Jurich reiterated his school's unwavering support for Men's Basketball Coach Rick Pitino yesterday following the conviction of Karen Cunagin Sypher, 50, for attempting to extort millions from the Cardinals' high profile coach after their tawdry tryst.

The skirt chasing Pitino's foolish philandering in 2003 has cost him and his school public embarrassment and national ridicule. However, Slick Rick won't face any disciplinary action from the university or, at this time, from the NCAA.

Astonishingly, the Big East School earlier this year awarded Pitino with a four year contract extension through 2017. As many Catholics expressed, "What a Cardinal sin of epic proportions!"

This torrid tale would not be so tawdry and worth retelling had it not been for Pitino presenting himself as a paragon of family values while parading around with a Parish priest and piously pontificating about Catholic principles.

The media has had lots of fallen skirt chasers to report on these days, and Rick Pitino hasn't been the only adulterer asking for forgiveness for his duplicitous decisions. Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger regretted running after a Goergia vixen, and iconic golfer Tiger Woods apologized for his serial indiscretions. While the NFL suspended Big Ben for the start of the season, the PGA Tour took a much different approach and never even attempted to correct the wayward Woods - the sport's undisputed cash cow.

So, it'll interesting to witness which philandering philosophy the usually conservative NCAA embraces as the lurid details of Pitino's frolicking and subsequent cover-up have publicly unfolded. Will the NCAA face Pitino's foibles straight fowardly and formally kick his can to the curb for violating the collegiate organization's morality standards? Or, will the NCAA support Louisville and stauchly stand by its "stud" coach like the the PGA Tour's laughable loyalty to its lecherous lout? After all, aren't there 20,000 seats in Louisville's new downtown arena that need to be filled?

The University of Louisville had the opportunity to take a stand by setting the example that wanna-be womanizers need to keep their zippers zipped.

Now, it's the NCAA's turn to prescribe penance for Pitino's pathetic hypocrisy.

Staright talk, No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

SHAQ-tastrophe!

2010-08-05T15:13:00.002-04:00

The Celtics are courting SHAQ-tastrophe!

Last season's NBA Finals Runner Ups are flaunting with failure as the Celtics have signed 38-year-old former NBA All-Star Shaquille O'Neal to a two year contract.

In this coming NBA season, look for a series of SHAQ-tastrophes beginning with a kelly green clad sputtering Big Diesel lumbering down the parquet court of Boston's TD Bank and North Garden.

Already limited in its fast break, an aged Celtics team has added the glacier quick Shaq to its squad. . . certain to tether itself further to the immovable foundation of Boston's iconic John Hancock Building.

At first, watch the plodding Planet Cryptonite schmooze teammates with his signature shuck and jive and influence his new Boston friends with a feigned team-first philosophy. However, O'Neal's game has always been Shaq vs. . . well . . . everybody else . . . 'cause it's always been all about 7' 1" and 335+ pounds of Shaq and his monumental ego.

Then, just wait till December, when Shaq Daddy wants more touches and disheartened guards like Rajon Rondo and Nate Robinson howl at the horrific sight of this Big Fella hampering their way to the hoop.

Worse yet, wait until February, when the original Celtic Big 3 of Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett have had enough hubris from this new Hulking Ham in the Hub City hoping to become a cozy Celtic Quartet. But that won't ever happen.

Expect O'Neal to exit Boston after just one season or maybe even sooner. History documents his less than magical departure from Orlando, his petty parting from the Lakers, Shaq's scorched separations from the Suns and Heat and his recent cavalier departure from Cleveland.

Despite my prognostications, here's hoping the Celtics will salvage this season by muzzling this megalomaniac and sparingly utilizing his waning talents.

Otherwise, Coach Doc Rivers will be courting a sure SHAQ-tastrophe with the NBA's former Superman and now sputtering Big Diesel.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!

Lebron James' Decision Part II

2010-07-18T15:00:00.001-04:00

Sources close to the King-Without-a-Ring reported that ESPN will devote another hour covering Lebron James' decision to take his talented flesh to Miami. This time....to get another tattoo.

Incredulous at first, ESPN never thought Lebron had enough flesh cap room left on his body to possibly accomodate another tattoo. However, upon further scrutiny, ESPN believed LBJ's anticipated body art announcement warranted another prime time infomercial.

Hoping to avoid the train wreck of last week's Lebron James' Decision - Part I, ESPN announced that legendary rocker and tattoo afficianado Tommy Lee would host the event. Having gone under the needle hundreds of times before, ESPN thought Lee would offer credibility and maturity. Heavily pierced and more heavilt tatted, Lee will ask Lebron the body art questions all of America is pining to know. And maybe, just maybe, this time Lebron will actually remember all of the pre-scripted questions.

Tommy Lee's interview will purportedly take place on a make-shift stage set in one of South Beach's bevy of ink parlors. Aspiring tattooists from throughout South Florida as well as most members of the Denver Nugget basketball team are expected to be on hand to offer Lebron much needed support.

Speculation concerning the nature of more indistinguishable body art adorning the body of the reigning NBA MVP continues to build, and Vegas oddsmakers soon plan to post their prognostications. Undisclosed sources in the James camp have been heard to comment that:

Cleveland Cavalier owner Dan Gilbert suggested an image of Benedict Arnold be emblazoned prominently on whatever area of un-inked flesh flesh remained on Lebron's body.

Former teammates Mo Williams and Anderson Verajou pleaded with Lebron to memorialize them by inking their initials on his back, you know, the very same back the former 23 carried them on the last two NBA seasons.

Reverend Jesse Jackson implored the now former Cavalier to display the words, "emancipated indentured servant" on the unfettered hands that passed, rebounded and scored so effortlessly for his Plantation minded bosses in Cleveland.

Bulls, Nets, Knicks and Clippers representatives pushed for Lebron to officially change his new Miami Heat number from 6 to 666 and ink it permanently on his forehead.

However, the decision on what to do next in Miami with his talented flesh rests entirely with the King-Without-a-Ring.

Tune in to ESPN's next Lebron-athon, and you'll know the answer to LBJ's agonizing decision - and hopefully not after Tommy Lee's 16th question.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Chris Berman's Bold ESPY 2011 Prediction

2010-07-15T12:00:00.000-04:00

ESPN's Bob Ley and Stuart Scott are smiling.

Their legendary broadcasting buddy, Chris Berman, stepped way "outside the lines" this morning on my sports television talk show with a bold prediction. Booyah!

Commenting on last night's ESPY Awards in LA, the Swami passionately picked me - Michael Anthony Raffone, aka Mike Raffone, or simply MIKE as a lock for a 2011 ESPY in a new ESPY category as Breakout Broadcaster of the Year!

Uncharacteristically agitated at his beloved employer, Berman bemoaned that the World Wide Leader in Sports has apparently whiffed on the opportunity to sign me - the World Wide Leader in Sports Humor - to a long term Sports Center anchor gig!

Berman berated ESPN management as "rumblin', bumblin' and stumblin" their way through contract negotiations with my agent. ESPN's most revered television reporter appeared exasperated by the thought of probably losing me - the Long Awaited Microphone Messiah - to a rival sports media company. ESPN co-hosts Ley and Scott shared similar sentiments.

Berman stated, "MIKE is a perfectly constructed Titanium American Microphone manufactured with only the finest imported components. He can't possibly make a mistake......unless a team of writers and animators program him to do something stupid."

Berman continued by saying, "ESPN will look back...back...back... years from now and painfully regret its decision not to sign this new MIKE guy for the next Millenium. Picking any human smooth-talking suit over MIKE rivals that of the Blazers drafting Sam Bowie over another Mike way back in 1984!"

Calls to ESPN management were not returned. Speculation surfaced that high powered heads in Bristol will roll for failing to sign me - the new Ultimate Talking Head in Sports!

Berman blasted bureaucrats in Bristol and bemused that, as America's favorite new sportscaster, I... will... go... all... the... way........to the ESPY podium in LA in July 2011.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

www.facebook.com/theemikefans - Become a Fan today!

Expunge Expectorating

2010-07-14T08:00:00.000-04:00

Spitting in baseball is a Major League problem.

While watching last night’s All Star game on FOX, the disgusting discharges emanating from eminent National and American League players seriously sullied my spectating enjoyment.

I know all of America agrees with me that baseball players spit way too much.

The only thing more annoying than Tim McCarver’s minutiae or Joe Buck’s babbling about boring baseball statistics is seeing the sunflower seeds and spittle splattering the baseball diamonds of an All Star Game.

Major League Baseball needs to establish a No Spitting Policy immediately. Look at other sports. You don’t see Lebron launching a loogie into the lane before attempting a free throw or Michael Phelps flinging phlegm into the pool before diving off the starting block in a big race.

Before losing its faithful baseball fan base to saliva-free sports, the Commissioner needs to halt the hurling of hawkers by Expunging Expectorating from baseball!

Straight Talk. No static.

MIKE – The American Made Voice on Sports

Red Card the Refs!

2010-07-12T17:41:00.005-04:00

OK, Sepp Blatter. Dust off your personal collection of Red Cards and start booking some of the bumbling blokes you assembled to referee in this year's World Cup.

Red Card all the refs responsible for their awful officiating in South Africa...which was about as predictable as the flight of a Jubalani soccer ball.

Kick off (pun intended) the purging process by poking a gigantic Red Card under the nose of Howard Webb - the chap you chose to officiate yesterday's plodding championship game between Spain and the Netherlands.

Who cares if Howard Webb was the best the English premiere league had to offer? So what if he issued 13 Yellow Cards and one Red Card during Spain's 1 - 0 victory over The Netherlands in extra time.

There should never have been any extra time . . . thanks to Howie.

Oranje fans will never forgive this English ref for failing to book Spanish defender Carles Puyol in the waning moments of the match. Puyol grabbed fleet-footed Arjen Robben just outside the penalty area during the Dutch striker's unobstructed path to the net.

Surprisingly, the Yellow Card Happy Howie inexplicably swallowed his whistle on this game-altering play. Howie allowed the action to continue unabated as Puyol improperly impeded Robben's impending goal scoring run. Regulation time soon expired, and the Spaniards marched on to win the title in extra time . . . thanks to Howie's inconsistent officiating.

Howard Webb may have missed this now infamous infraction. However, 700 million ESPN viewers from around the globe certainly saw it in stunning HDTV either in the luxury of their living rooms or while chugging a beer in their favorite pub.

Here's hoping Sepp Blatter exhausts his personal collection of Red Cards on the woeful refs responsible for careless calls in South Africa. And, finally, before we samba on down to Rio for World Cup 2014, here's hoping Sepp Blatter Heimlichs any refs content on choking on their whistles . . . instead of blowing them.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports

Lebron James' Decision Part 1 - Me, Myself & I

2010-07-09T12:31:00.002-04:00

Me, Myself and I were the only people that Lebron James ever cared about.

Us, We and Team never factored into Lebron's decision to forsake his faithful fans and teammates in Cleveland and bolt to the broiling beaches of Miami.

Forget about family. Forget about friendship. Forget about fostering hope for a struggling region in our country. Fortune and fame were the only fundamental factors forcing the career choice of the selfish would-be king without a ring.

Last night in a tightly scripted declaration, the now former Cleveland Cavalier star finally decreed his royally self-serving plans to a national television audience. Lebron's decision was all about him, himself and he! Never were any plural pronouns even considered in James' edict.

The Press, most unnervingly ESPN, pandered pathetically to the hysteria hovering around Prima-don Lebron's free agency announcement. Court jestering replaced ESPN's normally respected journalistic coverage. Lebron's hand-picked interviewer Jim Gray lobbied softballs at the reigning NBA MVP - smartly arrayed in a purple and white checked shirt . . . and thankfully not in purple robes, sceptre and crown.

Worse yet, sports fans tolerated the pomp and circumstance surrounding James' surreal free agency circus. Bracing for pain, we all tuned in to ESPN last night to witness the inevitable . . . all the time secretly hoping LBJ would never spurn the Rust Belt for the sun, surf and sand of South Florida.

Even the Cavalier franchise and the surrounding Cleveland community succumbed to carefully courting the king, cautious not to upset him while praying and pining that their hometown hero would eschew the bigger city spotlights for the rain-soaked shores of Lake Erie.

Other NBA owners frolicked in Lebronamania, knowing the word Billion was Lebron's primary motivation and foolishly thinking 23 would move his monarchy to their metro markets.

Now jilted and scorned, we all had hoped the hometown hero would hunker down in Cleveland and bring the city by the lake that long sought after championship in pro sports for which it has thirsted for the past 50 years.

Okay sports fans, after all this ranting over Lebron's leaving it's now time for us to move on - let's forgive 23 for forsaking us and wish the man the best in his quest for a ring in Miami.

Sure, Lebron should have stayed - but he didn't. Sure, Lebron could have consulted with us - but he hadn't. Sure, Lebron would have been forever loved in Ohio - but he won't.

However, when you're calling South Beach home, and the guaranteed millions are already in the bank, it's easy to understand why . . . Me, Myself and I are the only three people on the planet that Lebron James ever cared about.

Straight Talk, No Static.

MIKE . . . Thee American Made Voice on Sports!

God's Hand Returns to this Year's World Cup

2010-06-16T07:15:00.000-04:00

The Hand of God has returned to this year's World Cup.

Not on the pitch - as in the famed 1986 England vs. Argentina World Cup quarter-final match in Mexico City - but rather on the sideline.

Once again, God has freely handed soccer fans across the globe the eternally entertaining gift of Team Argentina's Coach - Diego Maradona.

Today's chubby coaching caricature may look more like a trite Telemundo Talk Show Host than the world class player he once was. But, Maradona no longer needs a soccer ball to save and dazzle during this World Cup. He still can enrapture viewers every time ESPN's wide angle camera lenses turn his way.

Long gone are Diego's deft touches, sudden bursts of athleticism and scintillating soccer skills. Although Diego's soccer lore has been resurrected, his long lost athletic glory has been replaced by melodramatic John Gotti type mannerisms, sharp blasts of profanity and elongated bouts of exxagerated emotion in which the quixotic coach warmly embraces the very same players he routinely castigates.

A sight to behold on the sidelines, the dapper Diego unabashedly sports identical wrist watches on either arm and matching diamond softball-sized studs in either ear. Squeezing into a freshly Armor-alled goonish grey suit, the mercurial Maradona looks more loan shark than soccer coach.

Passion personified, Diego smiles, snarls, steams, struts and stomps along the sidelines while relentlessly combing his jet black dyed mane with his 1986 beefy Hand of God miracle mitt. Barely able to corral his bullish frame within the obligatory coaching box, Maradona challenges every officiating call, while grasping his rosary beads with a vice grip and gesticulating un-sactimoniously for his worldwide audience to witness.

So, the next time we pay Penance by yawning through another listless France vs. Uruguay nil - nil draw, let's offer our thanks to the Almighty for the gift that God so freely handed to us again in this year's World Cup.

Diego may be the only salvation we'll need to enjoy this year's tournament.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Italian Creative Expression at World Cup 2010

2010-06-15T12:00:00.000-04:00

For centuries, Italian creative expression has resonated throughout the world.

In Art, the brilliance of Italian masters Michaelangelo and Bernini has enraptured art lovers around the globe.

In Music, the virtuoso talents Andreas Botticelli and Enrico Caruso have serenaded millions of opera officianados.

In Fashion, the avant-garde designs of Gianni Versace and Salvadore Ferragamo have been exported to deep pocketed fashionistas from Berlin to Beijing to Buenos Aires.

In Architecture, the iconic landmarks of St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City and the Duomo in Florence have drawn countless pilgrims from every culture.

And now in Sports, Italy's fabulous flopping footballers have mastered their imaginative machinations once again as the unrivaled diving divas of the soccer pitch.

Taking their melodramatic histrionics to unprecedented levels, Italian soccer stars have perfected their plunging panache and easily passed other wanna-be tumbling sports talents like Derek Fisher of the Lakers - and for that matter, every WWE wrestler - as they've mastered the art of unnecessary flailing and flopping.

Take the scene at yesterday's rain soaked 1-1 World Cup match between the defending World Cup Champion Azzurri versus upstart and emotionally driven Paraguay.

In the game's early minutes Italian Midfielder Daniele De Rossi sprinted toward the goal, eagerly anticipating a pass from a teammate. Next, ESPN cameras captured De Rossi on the rain soaked field grabbing his calf as if suddenly shot by a stinger missile. De Rossi's apparent writhing in agony prompted panicked paramedics to race on to the pitch to administer emergency aid to the Azzurri's injured Italian Midfielder.

At the same time, De Rossi's succouring soccer teammates hovered around him, screamed wildly at the ref, then directed Neopolitan curses at their Paraguayan opponents, all while reciting rosaries in a last rites gesture for their teammate who was precariously fighting death's door.

Suddenly . . . and you know what happened next . . . as if the Italian Midfielder's soap opera nonsense wasn't enough, the nearly slain De Rossi miraculously rose from the grave, er, the turf that is, sprinted around the pitch like he was running the Boston Marathon, then eagerly rejoined his teammates as the ref instructed both sides to resume play. What a show!

Despite having held up the game for several minutes, De Rossi's antics didn't even get a yellow card. I say for this exaggerated Italian expression, the refs should have awarded him an Oscar instead. Play on.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

It's Time to Red Card the Vuvuzela

2010-06-13T22:00:00.003-04:00

The World Cup 2010 kicked off with a bang - or should I say - a curious, cacophonous chorus of South African vuvuzela.

Vu-vu-ze-what you might you might be asking.

No, vu-vu-ze-la, as in the Setswana name for a plastic three foot long noisemaking horn (emphasis on obnoxious noisemaking - like that of an ADHD kid juiced up on Mountain Dew) favored by South African soccer fans.

The vuvuzela vaulted into international popularity as soon as the oft maligned new Adidas soccer ball got kicked around the pitch in Johannesburg during this weekend's opening game between host South Africa and Mexico.

However, the initially revered, but now increasingly embattled vuvuzela may may Red Carded sooner than expected based on the overwhelming reaction of a disgruntled international ESPN television audience.

Day 1 of ESPN's television coverage witnessed intrigued viewers from around the globe immediately enraptured by the discordant din of these cheap plastic trumpets.

Day 2 television coverage showed a surprising shift in opinion as World Cup watchers warily became aware of the dissonant and disturbing drone of the reverberating vuvuzela.

On Day 3, however, viewers of ESPN's television coverage voiced cries of victimization by the vile vmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm of these never ending vuvuzela.

So, once Day 4 coverage continues tomorrow, will FIFA, which governs the World Cup, muzzle these maddening monotone South African music makers which sound more like swarming locusts or angry bees in a very large hive?

OK, FIFA, if you really give a Desmond Tutu, ban the vuvuzela from stadiums during remaining World Cup 2010 matches. Let us enjoy world class World Cup soccer coverage without the low class, dreadful din of these hideous horns.

Yes, FIFA, it's time to Red Card the vuvuzela!

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

World Cup 2010's Trans Atlantic Tussle

2010-06-11T17:53:00.004-04:00

Never before has the Atlantic Ocean been considered chic conversation.

Typical chatter concerning the 4,000 mile expanse of chilly water separating the United States' eastern shores from the rainy, cloudy British Isles generally generates genial jesting between long time friends and political allies.

However, on June 12th this brisk, blustery body of water will surface as the sports world's salient subject - known to Yanks and Brits alike - as World Cup 2010's Trans Atlantic Tussle. This ESPN televised event pits aspiring contender Team USA against soccer's more established, football-rich Team England.

Expect the June 12th World Cup game to be much bigger than soccer bragging rights. This 2010 first round match in South Africa showcases the United States second fiddle Yanks against the more ballyhooed Brits and should settle scores more serious than any simple soccer game.

Also at stake are decades of debates, disputes and disagreements surrounding each country's icons. Like the Buck vs. the Pound, American football vs. football the rest of the planet plays, White House vs. Windsor Castle, Bon Jovi vs. the Beatles, Disney vs. Diana, Broadway vs. Piccadilly and not to forget the all important delicacies of Hamburgers vs. Fish n' Chips.

So, who cares whether you say How you doin' or Cheerio or whether you drive on the right side of the road or the left or whether you display your red, white and blue colors on the American Flag or the Union Jack.

June 12th's World Cup 2010 Trans Atlantic Tussle between the United States and England should be exciting for fans watching from Los Angeles to London and should settle several critical cultural clashes between these two nations....at least until they face each other again in a future World Cup.

And don't you fugghedaboutit, old boy!

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Enough of Kobe's Beefs!

2010-06-03T16:01:00.005-04:00

OK, I've had enough of Kobe's "beefs!"

No, I'm NOT referring to Japan's Kobe Beef... as in the finest steak in the world.

However, I am lamenting Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant's non-stop bickering beefs; i.e. the murmuring, complaining, whining, sulking and moaning we witness every time this loquacious Laker steps on the hardwood.

Right now, Boston Celtic fans are probably scrambling to canonize me as the new patron saint of Beantown for my audacious, long overdue proclamation, while loyal Left Coast Laker fans are boiling mad with plans to excoriate me somewhere on ritzy Rodeo Drive for all of SoCal to see.

Hey, I'm the first to admit that Kobe Bryant is arguably the best player on the planet. Sorry, Lebron-lovers. But, hear me loud and clear Laker faithful, Kobe's pissy attitude, once again, during the recent Laker - Suns Western Conference Finals was totally inexcusable.

Coach Phil Jackson should bury a baby's binkie in Bryant's mouth instead of tippy-toeing around the Lakers' $30 Million per year Prima Donna. What a disgrace that Jackson goes along with his star guard's glaring, glowering and grimacing every time he misses a shot - or sanctions the sulking sewage that flows offensively out of his mouth toward the refs just as effortlessly as BP's blundering oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Why don't we hear Marv Albert or Kenny The Jet Smith or Charles Barkley or Jeff Van Gundy step up with some stones and speak out against the belly-aching Bryant? Sadly, we see plenty of other sniffling television sportscasters like Stuart Scott and Doug Collins molly-coddle Kobe's contentious conduct and carelessly condone his condescending comments aimed directly at his very own Laker teammates.

Basketball fans, here's hoping the diminutive NBA Czar David Stern, always eager to pontificate before a camera, bottles up the bickering, babbling Bryant before the Boston - Los Angeles series begins tonight.

Enough of Kobe's "beefs," so we can all enjoy a great NBA Finals!

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

What CBS Misses in its March Madness Coverage

2010-04-01T10:31:00.007-04:00

Going into this weekend, the NCAA Men's College Basketball Tournament has been officially trimmed to four fantastic teams, and this year's CBS March Madness television coverage has once again frustrated the lucid, logical thinking of reasonably intelligent college basketball fans everywhere.

Big Dance diehards have fallen fast for the foolish fodder and boyish banter beaming from the CBS broadcast booth without ever questioning the corny, cliche cloaked commentary and overt omissions of CBS' celebrated basketball announcers.

At times, CBS ignores the blatantly obvious right at the tip of your nose stuff, while hypnotically hounding fans with hokey, hyperbolic play-by-play analysis, subtly sucking viewers brains right out of their cranial cavities.

So, college basketball fans, put the Panasonic plasma on pause and ponder these missing March Madness oversights, compliments of CBS' college basketball announcers.

Here are my first 4 forgettable picks:

#1. The Missed Free Throw Party - OK, so why can't we find anyone in the CBS broadcast booth with some bravado to decry the dubiously dreadful display of celebrating shooting ineptitude nearly every time a free throw shooter misses a gimme from the charity stripe?

Doesn't anybody else on the planet find it utterly ridiculous when teammates enthusiastically approach the brick-laying free throw shooter and congratulate him with high fives and pats to the butt after he just clanged an important freebie from 15 feet? Imagine if MLB infielders raced to the pitcher's mound to bask in the embarrassment of a pitcher who's last fast ball wound up 450' away as some fan's souvenir in the center field's stands!

CBS' silence on the Missed Free Throw Party makes no sense whatsoever to me.

#2. Tattoos - Once again, why doesn't someone in the CBS broadcast booth blurt out the obvious and bemoan the proliferation of butt-ugly tattoos blanketing far too much of the basketball players' exposed skin? After witnessing Northern Iowa's upset of Kansas, I'm all for lobbying for an NCAA ban barring big, beefy boys without a tan from ever sporting multi-colored tattoos on any part of their bodies.

My second petition will be for the NCAA to mandate long-sleeved, turtle necked shirts to cover any future fashion paux of all heavily inked players because it seems like inebriated frat house friends frolicked with Etch-a-Sketch art on the chiseled players' forearms, biceps, backs, necks and shoulders!

Perhaps CBS should initiate a think before you ink campaign to spare viewers at home from witnessing these unsightly tattoos.

#3. College Basketball's Teflon Coated Coach - OK, why aren't college basketball conspiratorial crazies feasting on the journalistic blackout concerning Kentucky coach John Calipari? Never heard a peep from any of the boys in the CBS broadcast booth scrutinizing this slippery and unscrupulous coaching cad from Lexington. College basketball's highest paid coach is historically a walking NCAA infraction-in-the-making with a well-chronicled resume of recruiting players with no regard for collegiate consistency, scholarship and integrity within their university's basketball program.

Perhaps the CBS boys believe Kentucky actually recruited Coach Calipari to improve its anemic 9% graduation rate or that the muck that Just in Time Johnny (getting out of the place before your sordid history catches up with you) left at Memphis and Massachusetts was merely coincidental. Duh!

#4 - There's a Lid on the Basket - Doesn't anyone else agree that this is one of the most over used cliches in sports? CBS sportscasters need to remove from their repertoire this ritualistic excuse for poor shooting. Come on, CBS, give the opposing team's defense better credit and mute any mention of this trite expression citing a metaphorical metal disk hermetically soldered to a rim. There isn't anything physical attached to the rim prohibiting the ball from going into the basket.

The only things preventing better shooting are better shooters or even better defense from the opposition..... and it doesn't require a handsomely paid former player wearing a thousand dollar suit sitting in a broadcast booth to figure it out.

Maybe CBS should put lids on the lips of some of their basketball broadcasting boys in the booth before they blurt out any more corny cliches or totally overlook the obvious.

OK, college basketball fans, email me your selections of slack CBS sports casting and blatanly obvious omissions from this year's NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Can You Say Ali Farokhamesh?

2010-03-21T18:20:00.007-04:00

Can you say Ali Farokhamesh (Ah'-lee Fa-rook'-ha-mesh)?

After this past weekend, absolutely! Even if you're only a casual college basketball fan, you're probably proclaiming the name Ali Farokhamesh everywhere you go.

As a matter of fact, with unabashed confidence you're more than likely repeatedly rattling off the tongue-twisting name Ali Farokhamesh, but you're also spelling it, properly syllabicating it, and quickly correcting the butchery of those who stutter when they can't make it past the first three letters of this stellar guard's last name.

Ali Farokhamesh. The Rook to his team mates - is arguably the number one story in this year's NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament and the one player mostly responsible for manufacturing America's first bout of mania during this Spring's March Madness.

Expect Farokhamesh-a-mania to flourish for at least another five fabulous days until the Sweet Sixteen resumes next Saturday in St. Louis. Little Ali's created the kind of Big Dance buzz that rivals the likes of Cincinnati's Big O's scintillations of the early 60's, Michigan State's Magic's mesmerizing moves of the 70's, Jimmy V's vanquishing the vaunted Phi Slamma Jamma in the 80's, Duke's dazzling Laettner turn-around in the early 90's and the Cuse's Freshman Phenon Carmelo's captivation of college fans earlier this decade.

Ali Farokhamesh. The only thing wrong about him is his six foot height generously exaggerated on the Northern Iowa Panther basketball team roster. However, in spite of this one accepted abberation, everything else is soooooo very right about this thick, hairy-legged, under-sized, midwestern kid with the receding hairline and barely pronounceable last name willing to take crazy, calculated, career-defining shots on the biggest stage during the biggest game of his life against heavily favored opponents before a national television audience.

Ali Farokhamesh. A name never to be forgotten for a lifetime of Big Dances. Forget the March Madness Heroes of NCAA Tournaments past. Move over, Magic (Johnson), Michael (Jordan) and Manning (Danny). Wipe Wilt (Chamberlain) and Walton (Bill) off your list. And don't even challenge me with the name of Kansas' Mario Chalmers. Ali has emerged as the Hero of Heroes and Prom King of the Big Dance.....even if he never makes it past the Sweet Sixteen.

Ali Farokhamesh. Get used to hearing and seeing a lot of this alphabet soup of a name. Ali's two tournament game heroics will be constantly replayed, analyzed, dissected, fawned over and endlessly enjoyed in our living rooms for all of America . . . at least until he and his Panthers lace 'em up again next weekend.

Ali Farokhamesh. The reason why teams play the game . . . any game . . . is because even the number 1 seeded, more highly touted, athletically gifted, tremendously talented teams on PAPER must show up every night to take on unknown, over-achieving underdogs. But when the nationally ranked titans don't show up, little-known Goliath-killer mid-major teams like Northern Iowa with unheard-of players like Ali Farokhamesh rise up, seize the moment and write their own chapter in NCAA Basketball Tournament history.

Ali Farokhamesh. Yup, I love writing this name as much as I love saying it. Thanks to this Iowa City native and Kirkwood, Iowa Junior College transfer guard for making my March Madness so memorable already.

Ali Farokhamesh. All the best to you in St. Louis next weekend, Mr. Fearlessly Firing Shooting Guard with the twin fire hydrant legs, when your Northern Iowa squad squares off against another heavily favored team for a spot in the Elite Eight.

Trust me, at tip-off, sports fans across America will know who you are and will eloquently and effortlessly be able to say your name - Ali Farokhamesh.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!

Let the Nail Biting Begin!

2010-03-18T13:36:00.001-04:00

Maddened by another early March malaise, munchers, crunchers and nibblers alike will be unwittingly fidgeting and feasting on fingernails while watching their favorite schools participate in College Basketball's Big Dance of 2010.

I say, let the Nail Biting Begin!

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

www.theemike.com

......MIKE's "Let the Nail Biting Begin" post was selected as a finalist in the nationally recognized Last Fan Standing 2010 Sports Blogging Contest. To read MIKE's "Let the Nail Biting Begin" blog in its entirety, click this link at www.lastfanstanding2010.com/articles/pages/5/

Caught up with the Kardashians

2010-03-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

I just caught up with the Kardashians.

How ironic! A month ago I had absolutely no idea what a Kardashian was. But now I do...even though I wish I never did...catch up with a Kardashian that is.

OK, sports fans, with the Saints' recent Super Bowl success and the Lakers looming large to repeat as NBA Champs, the name Kardashian has become synonymous with sports.

Because a Kardashian is someone who has mastered a new sport; namely, Gold Digging for Athletes!

Lusting for luxurious lifestyles and seeking second-rate celebrity status, Khloe and Kim Kardashian have struck gold.

Yes, the Kardashian girls have hit the motherlode with Khloe landing Laker Lamar Odom in an E! sponsored wedding and Kim reuniting with Saints Running Back Reggie Bush.

These two reality show drama divas demonstrate for shiny toothed, buxom babes everywhere that there’s a fortune to be had in sports . . . even if you don’t play one.

To keep up with these Kardashians and become a Kardashian yourself, just follow these simple gold digging guidelines:

SHUT OUT…any discussions of ever having to work a real job.

GO DEEP. .. into the wallets of multi-million dollar athletes.

FAST BREAK…to an MTV crib you’ve never contributed a dime to build.

KNOCK OUT…your new man’s Platinum Card balance while shopping on Rodeo Drive.

TOUCH DOWN . . . in your hubby’s private jet and step out on his red-carpeted runway.

The tawdry tale of gold digging as sport won’t be fully told for another decade or so…’til these dabbling divas’ vocabulary fails to evolve past manicures, pedicures, texting and clubbing, and their men desire to discuss details other than shopping, shopping & more shopping.

When the clock winds down (and it will), we’ll be able to test the long term carat value -10, 14 or 24 carat, that is - of this sport known as Gold Digging for Athletes. Unless there’s some true burnishing going on and the players refine some nuggets within themselves, we might learn that Lamar and Reggie don't want to extend the game. . . in which case, “keeping up with the Kardashians” will be a short-lived sport after all.

Straight Talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

The "Olympic" Sport of Curling

2010-02-19T09:55:00.002-05:00

While watching the Hammer Throw finals at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, I never imagined my sports spectating standards could sink any lower . . . until I caught this week's comedic competition called Curling at the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics.

Maybe - just maybe - somebody could cajole me into believing that flinging a chain linked projectile resembling some medieval instrument of torture by a big burly boy named Boris from Belarus actually constitutes an Olympic sport.

But, I'm sorry, nobody is ever going to convince me that the skinny Norwegian glee club members clad in those ridiculous red, blue and white harlequin pants, and swooshing plastic kitchen brooms across an ice skating rink, are genuine Olympians!

Who on planet Earth, other than their mothers, would ever consider these swashbuckling, Broadway wannabes . . . Olympians?

Just how inebriated were IOC members when they sanctioned Curling as an Olympic sport? If Curling is an official Winter Olympic sport, could ice fishing, snowman building and snow angel making be very far behind? Word has it on the slushy, just-about-snowless British Columbian hills that, after watching this week's Curling competition on NBC, beer pongers and frisbee golfers are now petitioning the IOC for their sport's inclusion in the 2012 London Summer Olympics.

Is it just me or do you also view Curling as scandalously skirting the sanctity of sports by not requiring even the slightest semblance of athleticism?

Let's be honest. Have you ever heard anybody say, "I'm playing in a real competitive inner-city Curling league this season." Or, "Who will you pick as your Sweeper in next season's Fantasy Curling League?" Or, worse yet, "Let's run on over to Dick's Sporting Goods. I hear they just stocked their shelves with the latest Curling gear - and their Curling Broom assortment is awesome!"

Listen, as far as I'm concerned, any sport that rhymes with twirling can't be any good at all. So, enough of this nonsense! All this talk of Curling makes me think about hurling . . . my lunch.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports!

Let's NOT Be Fooled Again!

2010-02-08T12:28:00.004-05:00

OK, football fans, let's NOT be fooled again........when the NFL announces that another by-gone generation of geriatric, gyrating rockers will be entertaining us during future Super Bowl halftime celebrations.

Expecting to see myself and feel myself mesmerized by rock luminaries Roger Daltrey and Peter Townshend during yesterday's highly anticipated football game intermission, I instead found myself traumatically touched - as if visiting ancient uncles in their South Florida retirement home - given the languished lyrics in their opening rendition of "Pinball Wizard."

As Daltrey sequed from his strained, off-key, slow motion intro into his second sluggish song, the clownishly striped coated old codger sounded more like a tired turtle trudging through the neighboring South Florida Everglades swamps than the iconic British vocalist of the late 60's and early 70's.

To compound an already discordant performance, Daltrey's next Greatest Hit was anything BUT. Who'd a thunk the aging Brit's 2010 vocal version of Baba O'Reilly would vex some viewers about as vilely as a Bill O'Reilly vociferation.

Moving onto the group's third song which seemed to stick around for hours, I embarrassingly broke out into my own chorus of "Who Are They?" rather than "Who Are You?" and simultaneously prayed for the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts to prematurely race back on the field.

Sadly, if not for the halftime show's pyrotechnic and laser lighting displays, 74,000 stunned Sun Life Stadium spectators and 100 million tepid television viewers may have abandoned these comical caricatures completely for an obligatory bathroom break.

So, football fans, when the NFL announces performers for its Super Bowl XLV halftime celebration, we all need to remember the lackluster lyrics that Sunday evening's fossilized British rockers recited while closing their Super Bowl XLIV halftime set........................let's NOT be fooled again.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Nike - Just (Can't) Do It!

2009-12-16T09:00:00.002-05:00

Nike - the world's leading sports brand...just CAN'T do it!

Fire Tiger Woods, that is.

Earlier this week Sports Business Journal quoted Nike Chairman and Co-founder Phil Knight's carelessly casual comment concerning Woods' X-rated, extra-marital escapades. Knight said, "When Tiger's career is over, you'll look back on these indescretions as a minor blip, but the media is making a big deal out of it now."

Wow! What a hyprocritical swaggering of swoosh swirling from Nike's swanky Board Room!

For all his supposed moxie, corporate clout and sports world innovation, Knight is taking the coward's way out... proffering the company's support for the world's most celebrated athlete and serial adulterer . . . and hoping we'll continue to buy the millions of dollars of "Tiger-gear" still remaining in Nike's inventory.

Knight's irresponsible, insensitive and absurdly chauvinistic comment all but negates his company's corporate mission statement about fostering social responsibility.

Nike's decision is anything but socially responsible. To the contrary, by sticking with the foolishly philandering Woods, the sneaker giant made a mockery of the time honored social virtues of family, faithfulness and forthrightness.

What message is Nike sending to youth around the world? Hey Tiger Woods fans, keep over-paying for over-priced footware and apparel donned by our over-sexed golfing legend who overtly lied to fans, police, the Press and (sadly) his wife and young family.

Let's call a swoosh a swoosh. Because in this case, where so much money has been financed to fabricate a phony family friendly facade, Nike...the world's leading sports brand...just CAN'T do it! Fire Tiger Woods, that is!

We can all forgive Tiger if and when he's contrite, but let's never defend the arrogance of a corporate titan who summarizes serial adultery as a "minor blip".

Instead, make Nike a "minor blip" in your future sports apparel purchasing.

Buy Adidas, Champion or Reebok instead.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Lou Holtz

2009-12-05T07:00:00.000-05:00

I love Lou Holtz!

For cryin' out loud (as this charasmatic old coaching codger likes to say), Lou Holtz's candid college football coverage carries clout! Viewers are immediately smitten by the outspoken purity of this grandfatherly pigskin pundit and television's atypical talking head.

Who cares if this retired coach sports a face for radio rather than network television? This colorful commentator is welcome in my living room any day of the week.

This former Notre Dame, South Carolina and Minnesota Head Football Coach may mispronunciate, inarticulate and mis-syllabicate whenever he opens his mouth, but who the heck cares? The immensely loveable Lou eminates total trust, prognosticates with passion and purpose, and generates unbridled enthusiasm out of the ESPN Sports Center Studio.

Football fans look quickly past his saucer shaped spectacles, learn to live with his lisp, and humor him for his histrionics and hairbrained hunches. . . .all because they, too, absolutely love Lou Holtz!

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Sports' Deadly Language

2009-12-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

Sports' deadly language is absolutely lethal.

Sure, my post sounds depressing, but don't blame me. Blame the morbid manner the media reports on sports.

Over the past few weeks I've spent lots of quality time surfing several sports events on the big screen.. . . only to be assaulted by the deadly language that sportscasters regularly employ.

Tell me if some of these don't make you, too, feel like you're being clunked on the head by a coffin:

The QB made a fatal mistake and got buried by the linebacker.

The base runner was a dead duck when the batter failed to execute the suicide squeeze play.

Time expired forcing sudden death overtime in this life or death soccer match.

A couple college football teams play their home games in Death Valley.

The opponents deadly 3 point shooting murdered us.

Now, do you get it?

Sportscasters lethal language must change; otherwise, it may kill us all.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports.

Football's Instant Replay

2009-11-24T07:00:00.003-05:00

Football's instant replay is anything but instant.

Seems like you can read all 1,990 pages of President Obama's new Health Care Reform Bill...twice...faster than it takes a ref to acknowledge a challenging coach's red flag, run over to the sidelines, stick his head under the little black curtain, then re-watch (what appears like a hundred times) the very same play that he and his officiating crew just witnessed live on the playing field only a few minutes before.

OK, while all of us at home, after raiding the refrigerator, hitting the head and following our fantasy picks on the internet, sit stewing on the sofa, the zebra clad man slowly and seriously studies replays from every conceivable angle - even appearing to access footage from the Hubble Space Telescope.

His decision should be easy . . . and considerably much quicker, but it's NOT, because the actions of the main man in stripes always seems slower than a slug's.

So, exactly what is the ref doing under that black curtain?

Checking emails?

Watching ESPN Sports Center?

Tweezing unwanted nasal hairs?

Calling Domino's for a post-game delivery?

Or, reading an unabridged edition of War and Peace?

OK, my impatience is now maxed out after watching a weekend's worth of ridiculously long NCAA and NFL replays.

Football brass needs to act fast, or should I say, instantly, to bring the instant back into instant replay . .. before more impatient football fans like me, God forbid, start watching soccer instead.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports

Gut Check Time

2009-11-20T07:00:00.004-05:00

Every sports fan is familiar with the old adage, gut check time! This cliche rallies athletes during that critical time in a game when visions of victory are about to vanish and a potential loss hangs precariously in the balance.

So, when Coaches, Fans, Players and Sportcasters expect every last ounce of internal strength and courage to be corraled to change the outcome of a game, they proclaim this defining moment to be... gut check time!

However, I gotta admit that every time this clarion call is conveyed during an NFL game (like in Monday Night Football's Patriots - Colts contest), my gut gets grossed out!

You see, when I hear the words gut check time, instead of conjuring up visions of pending victory, my mind quickly wanders to ghastly glimpses of extra-beefy NFL offensive linemen with bulging bellies bombarding my brain and bringing a whole new meaning to this time-honored cliche.

These frightful flubbies flaunt rotund repositories resembling pepperoni pizza, greasy grub and assorted pan fried food storehouses that wobble woefully around their waists.

No wonder why these linemen are called OFFENSIVE!

So, from now on, that's why I neither have the stomach... nor the time . . . for gut checks of any kind!

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Worst Position in Sports

2009-11-18T07:00:00.041-05:00

Hiking a football is without doubt the worst position in sports!

I came to this conclusion watching the Monday Night Football game between the Patriots & Colts earlier this week.

While calling this contest from the comfort of my broadcast booth, I suddenly realized just how much I subconsciously scrunch away from the exchange between a center and quarterback on the football field. Every time I see a center break the huddle, rumble a few yards to the line of scrimmage, then bend over and fondle a motionless football on the ground like it's some precious package pining for protection . . . I unwittingly find my grill grimacing, my bowtie tightening and my body (well, in my case, just my head) borrowing into my base. Eeek!!!

Allow me to philosophize about these facts surrounding the hiking of a football:

First, in nearly every play, immediately after hiking the football, nearly 3,000 pounds of snarling, sweating linemen pile on top of the center's body.

Second, unless he's in the shotgun formation, the quarterback's hands are way too close to the hiker's unmentionables.

Third, the only body part of a center that ever shows up on camera is a wide angle close up of his big 'ole butt...well, that is, unless he's flagged for holding...in which case every football fan in America gets to see his mug shot - while the ref marches the embarassed culprit's team back another 10 yards.

Yup, hiking a football...the worst position in sports!

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports.

Agassi's Angst

2009-11-11T11:10:00.007-05:00

I have never been a tennis fan; however, last week I became a fan of Andre Agassi.

Agassi, the retired 39-year-old winner of 8 Men's Grand Slam Singles Titles, shocked the tennis world when unexpected excerpts from his book, OPEN:An Autobiography, surfaced in Sports Illustrated and The London Times. Graphic depictions of Agassi's 1997 clandestine recreation with crystal meth and his subsequent lying to the ATP governing body, which threatened to suspend him, stirred a storm of controversy in the sports world.

An outspoken Martina Navratilova was the first former tennis great to excoriate the remorseful and agonizing Agassi, carelessly comparing him to a recalcitrant Roger Clemens. As memories of her own misery momentarily morphed, Martina all-too-quickly leaped out of her own closet, jumped into an awaiting Subaru, and raced down to the first available media outlet to air her agitation against fellow athlete Agassi. Interestingly, this gender-challenged Czech chastised sports fans everywhere a few decades ago for failing to fancy her homosexual lifestyle at a time when such admissions produced public anxiety. Now, she was nay-saying the atoning Agassi for admitting to his personal, private addiction. Sadly, too many others followed the former leading lady of tennis by lacing into Agassi and tearing into this talented, tearful tennis player.

While I don't condone his irresponsible behavior, I do admire Agassi's brutally honest revelations and his desire to be OPEN, as his autobiography suggests, with fans. The retired tennis star's transparent angst is abysmally absent from today's celebrity athlete. Andre admitted errant antics and demonstrated deep regret . . . which today's "Pa-Role Models" fail to display 'til uncomfortably cornered and forced to confront culpability and criticism to salvage their otherwise crumbling careers.

Let's decry Agassi's bad behavior; however, let's acknowledge Andre's sincere admissions, his altruistic contributions to the Las Vegas community and, most importantly, his decision to be OPEN with the sports world.

That's why I've become a fan of Andre Agassi.

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE - Thee American Made Voice on Sports

Baseball's Befuddling Top 10

2009-11-05T07:00:00.005-05:00

There are times when Baseball just Befuddles me.

Watching the World Series, I brought together this short list of Befuddling Bits of Baseball Banalities:

#10 Funny how baseball's foul pole is located in fair territory. Kinda like driving on a parkway and parking on a driveway.

#9 Why's it called a stolen base when the base runner never gets to take it home...or even pawn it?

#8 Have you ever seen a readying on deck batter actually stand in the on deck circle?

#7 Why do fans tolerate the heckler, who thinks that behaving like an a** is a good thing?

#6 Why do rotund baseball managers insist on wearing team uniforms that look like spray-on Halloween costumes? You never see Phil Jackson wearing his old Knicks shorts shorts on the Lakers bench, do you?

#5 Seems like players insist on poking their packages and adjusting their fellas when every fan is watching the action on their oversized high def TV.

#4 At a unit cost of 75 cents a dot, the TINY frozen Dippin' Dots you can only get at a game put a HUGE hole in your wallet.

#3 Stupid statistics. Who cares how many times lefties born in Midwestern states to blond haired mothers whose brother's uncle's neighbor's insurance salesman's sister played AAA for the Yankees in 1997 whiff during rain delayed night games in August?

#2 Why do clueless fans always stand in the 7th belting out the tune "Take Me out to the Ball Game". . . . when we all know they've been there for the previous six innings?

#1 Why call a catcher's testicular protector a cup when no sane person would EVER consider drinking from it?

Would love to hear some of your Befuddling Baseball Bits. We all know they're out there!

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports.

Muting the World Series

2009-10-31T15:21:00.006-04:00

This season, I have officially muted the World Series games on television.

Whaaaat???? you wonder in wild protest. That's right, sports fans, you heard me the first time.
I have employed the ultimate power tool - that glorious device known as the Remote Control - and exercised my God-given right to officially mute World Series telecasts.

Now don't get me wrong on this. You bet I love baseball, but I loathe the litanies of insignificant facts and figures foisted upon me during TV telecasts.

You see, boring baseball statistics have always driven me bonkers.

Do I really need to listen to FOX's Tim McCarver, Master of Minutiae, tell me how many hits a Phillies batter got while hitting lefty versus righty, or how many of his total hits were to the opposite field off right hand pitchers who were born to blond haired mothers whose father’s uncle’s milkman’s neighbor’s son batted .327 for the Yankees AA Farm Team in 1968 and who is 13 times more likely to scratch his crotch area with his right hand when entering the batter’s box during rain delayed Sunday afternoon double-headers in July?

Wheuh! Stupid statistics stifle my baseball likeability!

During this Fall Classic, I'm opting to watch in silence and serenity the bountiful beauty of America's favorite past time . . . without being burdened by baseball banalities.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE – thee American Made Voice on Sports!

The Turnpike Tussle

2009-10-29T21:13:00.005-04:00

Never before has the New Jersey Turnpike been considered such chic conversation.

The typical chatter concerning this 100+ mile stretch of congested concrete and toll toting traffic known as Interstate 95 and connecting Gotham and the City of Brotherly Love normally evokes the ire of irritated travellers.

However, this week the two hour long slab of cement has surfaced as the sports world's salient subject - now known to Northeasterners as the Turnpike Tussle - and pitts baseball's legendary NY Yankees against the reigning world champion Philadelphia Phillies.

Expect this year's Fall Classic to be bigger than baseball bragging rights. The 2009 World Series stakes second fiddle Philadelphia against its northerly nemesis, the more ballyhooed Big Apple.

Yes, this series should settle scores more serious than any sports rivalry. At stake are decades of debates, disputes and disagreements surrounding each city's icononclastic idols like Rocky vs. Rudy, Broad Street vs. Broadway, Lady Liberty vs. the Liberty Bell and the critically important delicacies of Cheesesteak vs. Pizza.

So, whether you say, "Yo," or "How you doin?" this tussle will be well worth every Turnpike toll to a World Series game....and don't you fugghedaboutit!

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Adjusting The Fellas

2009-10-28T08:00:00.002-04:00

In addition to steroids, the public display of adjusting the fellas must be banished from baseball.

And yes, baseball fans, you know exactly what fellas I'm talking about. These fellas are the twins. That's right, they're the two little round guys who hang out with Richard. They should be snugly housed under the front flap of a player's baseball pants in that medievally designed athletic supporter of almost underwear minus fabric for the butt. And they should stay there.

So how aggravating for fans in attendance, and especially for those watching in the stunning visual clarity of HDTV from the comfort of our living room couch, to witness these cherished twins endlessly being adjusted - whether in the batter's box, at second base, on the pitcher's mound, in the outfield or while walking out of the dugout in everybody's plain sight.

I realize how egregious baseball's steroid scandal has been, but it can't be much worse than this continued, right-out-in-the-open rearrangement of the unmentionables.

The quick pinch, the gentle scratch, the polite poke, the painless pull, and especially the double fisted groin grab for those really needy players have absolutely gotta go.

That's why I say. . .

Banish the Adjusting of the Fellas from baseball today!

Straight talk. No static.

This is MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Another Fallen Skirt Chaser

2009-10-23T10:53:00.001-04:00

Another skirt chaser in the sports world has fallen.

ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips announced his leave of absence from the Network after confessing to more marital infidelity.

The skirt chasing Phillips, whose foolish philandering a few years ago cost him his GM job and the Mets a considerable amount of out-of-court cash, fessed up to fooling around yet again – this time with a 22-year-old ESPN production assistant. ESPN responded ridiculously, handing Phillips a mere one week suspension. Ouch, that hand slap must’ve really hurt!

The media’s had lots of fallen skirt chasers to report on these days. Louisville ’s Rick Pitino was forced into asking for forgiveness when confessing to his duplicitous decisions. Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger regretted running after a Reno resort vixen. Even CBS’ David Letterman’s laughter lapsed recently when reporting his lurid lifestyle to loyal late night TV viewers.

So . . . it’ll be interesting to witness which philandering philosophy ESPN embraces as the lurid details of Phillips’ recent frolickling unfolds. Will ESPN face Phillips’ foibles straight forwardly and formally kick his can to the curb for violating the Network’s morality policy? Or, will this World Wide Leader in Sports staunchly stand by its “stud” like Louisville ’s laughable loyalty to Rick Pitino?

ESPN has the opportunity to take a stand by setting an example that wanna-be womanizers need to keep their zippers zipped. Otherwise, the Network’s sports news won’t be about the game, but about another fallen skirt chasing sports “stud”.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports.

Ain't Over Til Fat Lady Sings

2009-10-22T11:47:00.003-04:00

Have you ever stopped to think about the ridiculous sports cliché, “It ain’t over until the fat lady sings?”

Well, I have… plenty of times.

This totally insensitive and seemingly inexplicable expression has always bugged me, and now begs me to ask these pointed questions.

Who exactly is this mysterious beefy woman, and at what weight did she tip the scales to qualify for her important role? That’s role as in r-o-l-e.

Where was this full figured female found?

What happens if Princess Bigness can’t make it to the park until 3am? Do the fans remain in their seats until her big butt waddles in?

Why hasn’t she inked a seven figure sponsorship deal with her favorite fast food franchise?

What if it’s all you can eat taco night at the park? Who’s responsible for prying this likeable large lady away from the concession stand to belt out a few bars at the end of the game, so then we can all go home?

Because we all know that… the game ain’t ever over until the fat lady sings!

Straight talk. No Static.

MIKE – thee American Made Voice on Sports.

Me, Myself & I

2009-10-21T11:05:00.000-04:00

Me, Myself and I are still the only three people on the planet that Los Angeles Dodger Manny Ramirez cares about.

Once again, the oft-maligned (and rightfully so) Manny made many murmur the other night following the Dodgers’ late inning lapse in losing to the fast finishing Phillies in Game 4 of the NLCS.

Sure, the media mumbled mildly upon learning that the mercurial Manny marched off to the Dodger locker room after Manager Joe Torre replaced him with a speedier, better fielding player in the 9th inning.

However, where was the post-game outcry when it was discovered that the malcontent Manny selfishly showered while his Dodger squad squandered a slim 9th inning lead?

Why should we tolerate this nonsense?

Why didn’t Dodger teammates collectively kick Ramirez in the rear?

Why didn’t Dodger faithful slow down Southern California servers with tweets, blog posts and nasty emails excoriating this dread-locked lout?

Why did Dodger Skipper Joe Torre soften his style and succumb to the silly theory that that’s just Manny being Manny?

How unconscionable for a $20 Million+ per year All-Star to slink out of the dugout and forsake finishing an NCLS game!

However, when you only think about Me, Myself and I, and the $20 Million is already in the bank, it’s easy to understand why….. that’s just Manny being Manny.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE - thee American Made Voice on Sports.

Crack Pot Calls Out Kettle King of Conflict

2009-10-16T15:34:00.001-04:00

A pair of uninvited bombastic blowhards barreled into the beaming lights of controversy surrounding this week’s potential NFL sale of the St. Louis Rams.

Professional preacher Al Sharpton blasted bloviating radio host Rush Limbaugh’s bold bid to buy into the St. Louis Rams football franchise.

The preying Pastor, who purposely parades around the powerful and high-profiled, placed the Pre-eminent Prince of Pontification in his scope and declared the demonic Dittohead denigrating, divisive, and a fomenter of fear from the far, far right.

Whoa! Reverend Al needs to stop the sermon right there!

If this left, left leaning Sharpton is so sincerely concerned about denigration and divisiveness in sports and society, where was he a few years ago when Jay Z, whose licentiously lewd lyrics and vile verses victimizing women, became part owner of the NJ Nets?

Before questioning and cackling about others’ cultural conflicts and bigoted boorish behavior, perhaps the charlatan Sharpton should first check on the crater-sized cracks in his own pot.

MIKE
Thee American Made Voice on Sports

The Worst Job in Sports!

2009-10-16T10:00:00.000-04:00

What’s your vote for the worst job in sports?

Is it Terrell Owens’ embattled Publicist who’s always apologizing for #81’s bratty boorish behavior?

Is it a fighter’s sparring partner whose job is to get the snot beat out of him – unmercifully, I might add - on a routine basis?

Or, is it any coaching position within the Memphis Grizzlies organization?

You choose. Or, email me your own unique pick.

But, before you do, click on the animation below to see my choice for the worst job in sports

It’ll give a whole new meaning to the work phrase, “I just can’t keep my head above water!”

Straight talk, no static, this is . . .

MIKE
Thee American Made Voice on Sports

MIKE Reporting On...The Jock Strap

2009-10-14T08:00:00.000-04:00

Hey, sports fans!

This is MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Check out the attached one minute video (guaranteed to make you laugh) that I recorded with my buddy, Boomer in Studio M - my very own virtual ESPN Sports Center type studio.

As the sports world's premier uber-humorist, I report on a seemingly non-sensical mix of sports topics. In this video we pose the question, "Why's a jock strap called an athletic supporter?"

Expect to see plenty more of these MIKE Reporting On...videos of me on top sports web sites as well as on Jumbotrons in arenas and stadiums across the country.

Yup, I report on "really important sports stuff" like The Jock Strap, Dippin Dots, Quitting Spitting in Baseball, The Sports Bra, The Worst Job in Sports, Why is Curling an Olympic Sport, The Worst Mascot in Sports, The Ivy at Wrigley, Ain't Over "til the Fat Lady Sings, Kaka', Pa-role Models, Change is Needed (on our President' Jump Shot) and lots more!

Email me and let me know what you think of our MIKE Minute monologues.

Straight talk. No static.

This is MIKE!

Dippin' Dots

2009-10-08T18:55:00.000-04:00

No trip to the ballpark is ever complete without splurging on a cup of Dippin’ Dots for dessert.

For the uninitiated (and foodie famished sports fans out there), let me introduce you to this salivary sensation. Dippin’ Dots are those awesome tasting, cryogenically frozen ice cream pellets you can only get at a ballpark. These tiny bursts of chocolate, vanilla, strawberry and banana deliver an instant brain freeze and zero in on cavities you never knew you had.

Personally, I just LOVE Dippin’ Dots, even if a little cup of these micro-sized treats compete with the cost of my monthly mortage payment. The age-old adage “No Pain, No Gain” isn’t limited to sports pursuits; it applies to Dippin’ Dots, too - even if eating Dippin’ Dots requires absolutely no athletic effort. After all, if paying $20 for parking, $50 for aerial seating, and shelling out $8 for a chemically-induced hot dog isn’t enough pain for your wasting wallet, topping off your sports-induced economic suicide with a chillin’ cup of Dippin’ Dots can really set you back.

But don’t deny yourself this dream dessert delicacy! Just take some recession-proof advice from me. In these times, you can justify the Dixie cup-sized serving of Dippin’ Dots for another $16.95. Just remember to pop those Dippin’ Dots one microdot at a time. . . .and don’t forget to eat the dots real slooowww. That way, at a unit price of 75 cents a dot, you can say you got your money’s worth.

Straight Talk. No Static.

This is MIKE.
Thee American Made Voice on Sports!

Fickle Florida Fans

2009-10-05T07:00:00.000-04:00

What a difference a year makes in West Central Florida!

Late last Summer Tampa Bay area baseball fans fell foolishly for the Cinderella story surrounding their once woeful Rays.

Nightly, cowbell carrying crazies crammed the Trop, wildly rooting for the eventual American League Champs.

Off-season prognosticators predicted another pennant for the talent brimming Tampa Bay club. Season ticket sales surged, expectations soared and West Central Florida newborns were named after favorite Rays players.

But, a significant September slide more than sullied Rays fan faithfulness for their once (albeit only one year) beloved Boys of the Bay!

Late August and early September AL Wild Card games drew dismally at the domed dungeon of the Trop. Though the Rays were close contenders in the Wild Card race, the Rays fickle fans were embarrassingly absent during these crucial contests.

This weekend West Central Florida’s fickle fans furthered this un-fascination with their lackluster local lads as Major League Baseball’s best ball club, the Bronx Bombers, bopped into the Bay area.

Sadly more Yankee pinstripe jerseys populated the seats in St. Pete than Tampa Bay blue in the half-filled Trop. Florida's fickle fans more than likely focused on football and stayed home.

A season brimming with expectation ended on a sour note for the Rays.

So, let's see next year in West Central Florida if the fervent fan following from 2008 for the Tampa Bay Rays continues or the only things filling seats in St. Pete's Trop are jerseys from visiting teams or the apathetic NO SHOWS where fickle Florida fans should be sitting.

Straight talk. No static.

MIKE – thee American made voice on sports!

Burr...in Dallas' Billion Dollar Digs!

2009-09-28T10:39:00.003-04:00

America’s Team…of intrigue that is…the Dallas Cowboys had their house warming party turn chilly last weekend as the NY Giants dampened the debut of Dallas’ Billion Dollar Digs before an NFL record crowd and an expectant national television audience.

If the Boys don’t bounce back tonight with a big win against Carolina, and if their quixotic QB doesn’t play well, the climate in Cowboy country could become far frostier following Dallas’ second straight prime time appearance in what’s only the third week of the NFL Season.

Grumblings, grunts and groans surfaced soon after last Sunday’s surprising stumble. Cowboy faithful, to include legendary RB Tony Dorsett, quickly criticized the Cowboys’ current QB Tony Romo, while meddling megalomaniac owner Jerry Jones dispelled Dorsett’s doubt’s and rallied around the rattled Romo.

Disgruntled Dallas diehards blamed Romo’s wretched 29% QB rating for last Sunday’s Giants loss on everything from porous pocket protection to post Jessica Simpson stress disorder.

Expectations in Dallas aren’t just high, they’re stratospheric! So, tonight's ESPN Monday Night Football Carolina contest clearly looms large for the Cowboys.

Count on the Cowboy QB controversy to continue until the immensely talented Romo raises a Lombardi Trophy while wearing silver and blue.

Otherwise, Dallas’ splashy Billion Dollar Digs will become increasingly bitter cold!

Straight talk. No static!

MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Change is Needed!

2009-09-16T07:00:00.003-04:00

The media continues its love affair with our country's new President in spite of Obama's recent slippage in the polls.

Candid shots of the most powerful man on the planet still populate papers and web sites around the globe.

However, last week's video images of our President playing basketball begs me to bug Barack Obama again concerning his recent campaign slogan that..... Change is Needed.

Absolutely, Change is Needed..... on our President's jump shot!

The Commander-in-Chief loves basketball, but hoop fans everywhere are horrified by the alligator arm push shot that the Prez thinks is a sweet stroking J.

Barack's lefty J's got a wrong ragged rotation. It's an o-ba-ma-na-tion as it looks like a wounded duck wobbling helplessly to the rim... begging to find bottom!

You know, with all the talk about national health care, maybe some Shot Doctor somewhere should share his medical skills and correct this frightful fling of the new leader of the free world.

Because change here..... is desparately needed.

Straight talk. No static.

This is MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Air Jordan.....Now Grounded!

2009-09-15T07:00:00.002-04:00

His tears were genuine.

He appeared poised, once again, to soar above all mere mortals in the basketball world.

However, the monumental chip on Michael Jordan's shoulder loomed larger than any words 23 uttered at last week's Basketball Hall of Fame induction ceremony.

Jordan's inexplicable words at first baffled, and then essentially grounded perhaps the Game's greatest player in the eyes of expectant, but then bewildered contemporaries, teammates, coaches and fans.

On a special night when MJ could have perpetuated his larger than life legacy, he tethered himself to the induction ceremony's podium in a self made pair of cement Air Jordans.

Jordan unnecessarily took shots at vanquished opponents and coaches.....when none were necessary.

Jordan pontificated about his profound competitivenes.....when no one ever questioned it.

Jordan punctuated his speech with selfish, snarky remarks.....when he should have followed the new Hall of Famers previously inducted that evening with self-less comments filled with grace and heartfelt thanks.

The audience laughed awkwardly at MJ's snide comments and applauded dutifully when 23 exited the dais. Sure, perhaps the best player on the planet was acknowledged and rightfully so. However, a once adoring basketball world was left to wonder what Michael still wants to prove.

In the eyes of many that evening, Air Jordan's hubris grounded himself! However, here's hoping that the next time 23 takes a stage somewhere, Michael leaves the monumental chip in the locker room.....allowing him to soar once again to basketball greatness untethered and unencumbered.

Straight talk. No static.

This is MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Tennis Ball Binky

2009-09-14T09:11:00.003-04:00

During Saturday's US Open Semi Final match, Serena Williams would have been best served by voluntarily stuffing the same ball into her mouth that she rudely offered to shove down the throat of a timid line judge.

A make-shift "tennis ball binky" probably would have saved the whining Ms. Williams an inevitable suspension. More importantly, the "fuzzy round pacifier" would have pre-empted the reigning champ's awkward threats and classless profanity laced tirade before a shocked Arthur Ashe Stadium Center Court crowd and a perplexed television audience.

Compounding her embarassing exit, the petty, potty-mouthed Williams pouted at the post match press conference, nervously fidgeting and never apologizing for her bratty boorish behavior. However, this petulance is what we've come to expect from Serena - YES, a world class tennis player and a winner of 11 Grand Slam tournaments, but, NO, not a champion YET... in the eyes of most until she learns to comport herself with dignity and grace.

Serena's recent temper tantrum only adds to a growing fan discontent for her feigning mystery injuries when beaten, criticizing the ratings sytem when she's not on top and failing to genuinely credit her victorious opponents.

The tennis powers must act swiftly and strongly against the shameless Serena.

Time to grow up, Serena. Watch your mouth, bite your lip and curb your tongue. You can do it!

Otherwise, a "tennis ball binky" should be the only piece of equipment you ever take to a match.

Straight talk. No static.

This is MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Michael is NO Vick-tim!

2009-09-13T07:00:00.000-04:00

With a new NFL season scheduled to kick-off today, my timing is perfect to post this blog.

So, say what you want about Michael Vick.

Continue your debate.

Present your premise that Michael paid the time for his crime. Defend your dissertation that Michael has yet to pay a societal penalty.

Stand with the SPCA and protest games in which the new Eagle plays. Support the NAACP that Michael deserves a second chance.

Agree passionately with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's decision to reinstate Vick. Disagree vehemently with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's decision to reinstate Vick.

However, in spite of all the difference of opinions, we should all agree that Michael is NO Vick-tim and has never claimed to be a Vick-tim in the adversity that he created.

#7 has publicly pleaded for forgiveness, openly displayed remorse and genuinely accepted responsibility for his deplorable decisions.

Lefty never upbraided his upbringing, never pinned his predicament on his posse and never cited some outrageous excuse like Gremlins in his Gatorade for his thuggish behavior.

The beleaguereed Vick stepped up BIG when most other celebrity felons quickly shrink and shrivel from the spotlight.

I personally will root for this electric QB to succeed in what will evolve as a microscopically watched second chance.....because Michael's certainly NO Vick-tim!

Straight talk. No static.

This is MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Seinfeld Over Soccer

2009-09-10T10:25:00.003-04:00

In nearly every country across the globe soccer reigns supreme. Yet here in the USA, "The Beautiful Game" pales in popularity. American sports fans would rather watch Seinfeld reruns over soccer any day of the week because a deft, one touch pass leading to a goal still cannot trump barbs exchanged between Jerry and Kramer or Elaine and George.

Last night's 1- 0 USA victory over Trinidad in a World Cup qualifier proves my point. The game wasn't even broadcast on cable television, yet a litany of Seinfeld reruns was available for the viewer. Sadly, true soccer fans had to log onto to www.ESPN360.com to witness Ricardo Clarke's exciting goal from 25 yards out to give the Americans the win, putting them in first place in the Americas' World Cup Qualifying Bracket.

Plus, last week, FIFA announced that the USA squad inched up to the #11 slot and Brazil nudged Spain again for #1 status as the world's best team in the world's most popular sport.

But, do Americans really care? The answer simply is NO!

American sports fans can't stomach much soccer, and I know why. It's the exxagerated histrionics. Sure, low scoring games probably bore modestly inquisitive American fans, but what really irks American fans is the overly dramatic actions of the gel-infused artsy-fartsy guys sporting knee socks, neon colored tee shirts and animated attitudes you'd normally attribute to overly pampered 5 year olds.

I know, I know, Americans revel in the soap opera antics of the WWF, but the drama queen dilettantes of soccer are far too melodramatic for the traditional, 3 yards and a cloud of dust American male mentality.

Want to argue my point? Tell me you haven't guffawed at these over-reacting "athletes" every time they get touched. They get kicked in the calf, but by the way they jettison to the ground you'd think they got shot by a stinger missile. Next, tell me you haven't grunted as panicking paramedics race onto the pitch with their all-too-familiar stretcher in a mad dash to resue the injured player. And tell me you haven't shouted "disgratziad" as succouring soccer teammates hover around their fallen comrade, scream wildly at the ref, and practically recite the rosary in a last rights gesture for the teammate who's precariously fighting death's door.

Now.....if all this nonsense is not enough, you're expected to stand up and cheer once play resumes and the injured player suddenly, as if risen from the grave, miraculously sprints into the thick of the action like he's running in the Boston Marathon.

These silly shenanigans play way too much like a bad Italian Opera for gutsy American sports fans. So, that's why American sports fans, if given the choice, will gravitate to a silly show about nothing and will always, yes always, choose Seinfeld reruns over soccer.

Straight talk. No static.

This is MIKE - thee American made voice on sports!

Chippy Chatter

2009-09-07T07:07:00.000-04:00

Although his punch paled to the devastating damage Kermit Washington's delivered to Rudy Tomjanovich's face in the 70's, LaBarrette Blount's jarring jab to Boise State's Byron Hout's jaw proved plenty powerful. The Oregon Running Back's knuckle sandwich certainly served as fodder for a sports media food fest for the past three days.

Talk of Blount's postgame punch punctuated tv and radio programs and inundated internet sites, first dissecting the jab, then decrying this now remorseful athlete's uncalled for and unsportsmanlike act.

Sure, an excessively harsh one year penalty banning Blount from playing immediately followed, as did a tamer one game suspension for the taunting Hout. However, was this ugly incident inevitable? And were these two adrenaline induced athletes solely to blame? Or, did ESPN's constant chippy chatter concerning its coverage of this collegiate clash contribute to the scary scenario of last Thursday night?

Absolutely! Da da Dunt!

ESPN's cheeky chatter preceding the Oregon / Boise State matchup foolishly fomented this fated football fracas.... like churning chum in shark laden waters. The Worldwide Leader in Sports erred in its responsibility to deliberate pending trouble............ instead of instigating it. You bet execs in the Bristol's hallowed halls know it, too!

Expect ESPN to exercise more cautionary coverage of tonight's pre-game handshake of two rabid rivals Miami & FSU in another classic college football kickoff. Otherwise, continued chippy chatter from the Network could incite a potent punch far more horrific than Kermit Washington's haymaker in Houston.

Straight talk. No static.

This is MIKE - thee American made voice on sports.

The Grunting's Gotta Go!

2009-09-04T13:25:00.000-04:00

Never knew tennis was such an obnoxiously loud sport.

Whoa! Tennis…loud? I know what you’re thinkin’. MIKE’s lost it ‘cause all sports fans agree that tennis is dignified, cultured, quintessentially British with polite clapping for pretty pony-tailed girls sporting shapely short skirts.

Well, that’s NOT the tennis I experienced last night from my $1,000 nosebleed seat at the US Open. Yup! The normally distracting drone of JFK jets overhead couldn’t drown out the ridiculous racket on the court below.

You see, my only expectation of noise at a tennis match was the bop of the ball off the racquet or the squeak of sneaks on the hard true surface. But, I never anticipated the unanticipated…. the grating grunting and groaning of a statuesque Russian blond careening around the court.

Witnessing this Canon Camera Cover Girl methodically manage her match against an upstart 17 year old sounded more like a wounded deer extricating itself from a bear trap.

Every serve seemed like the Russian’s last as primeval screams emanated from her very core. Every return volley resonated with a guttural bellowing burst. And individual hairs on every fan’s neck stood at attention every time Miss Sharapova shared her shuddering shrieks for all of the Flushing Meadows’ faithful to forbear.

I’m sorry, but grunting doesn’t add another 25 mph to your serve, doesn’t perfectly place a return volley, and certainly doesn’t enrich the overall fan experience, especially when paying for a ticket mirrors that of making a mortgage payment!

Hey, I’m all for cheering on pretty pony-tailed girls sporting shapely short skirts, but let me be clear, “The Grunting’s Gotta Go!”

Straight Talk. No Static.

This is MIKE – thee American made voice on sports!

Should Schilling Stay or Run?

2009-09-03T12:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday’s Boston Globe reported that Curt Schilling, retired Red Sox ace, admired 2004 World Series Champ and outspoken Independent thinker with Republican leaning political views, is ruminating a run for the Massachusetts Senate post recently vacated by the late Edward M. Kennedy.

The venerated Seat, a bastion of the late Senator’s Democratic values and liberal leaning ideology for nearly 50 years, will be filled in January 2010.

Schilling is savvy enough to understand that a political run of this magnitude will be far more turbulent than any MLB Wild Card Race or any hotly contested World Series Game. Like a rookie pitcher, he’d be entering a new Major League field, better yet, quagmire fraught with innuendo, veiled accusations and outright lies, not even closely resembling the diamond shaped field where he excelled for so long.

On the other hand, Schilling just might possess the passion, poise, patience, and plethora of political pitches to punctuate his foray onto the Senate scene. Perhaps we’ll see Curt emerge as a World Series Champ in politics, too.

OK, sports fans, Time for you to VOTE on my first poll.

Should #38 stay in the “dugout” of his cushy suburban life in New England he’s created for himself? Or, should Curt espouse the Obama campaign line that “Change is Needed” in Massachusetts and dive headfirst into a ceratin to be spirited Senate run?

Straight talk. No static.

This is MIKE – thee American made voice on sports!

Fanatic Favre Faithful

2009-09-02T21:53:00.000-04:00

ESPN reported today that its Monday Night Football telecast earlier this week captured the Network’s best ever audience for a pre-season NFL game.

Whoa! Hard to fathom that so many fanatic Favre faithful still follow this oft retired, frequently un-retired grizzled QB recently signed by the Minnesota Vikings.

Just when we all thought this double-minded Mississippi Gunslinger officially hung up his cleats after last season’s NY Jets debacle, we find good ol’ #4 (in desperate need of some Grecian Formula for Men) back in our living rooms struttin’ his stuff and crack-backing an opposing team’s receiver during prime time coverage!

Once a faithful Favre fan myself, I’ll be watching very closely how the 39 year old Favre fairs against the much younger fellas from the defensive side of the ball. Plus, how Favre’s new teammate loyalty evolves in the Vikings locker room greatly intrigues me. A team schism surrounding a Vikings’ QB controversy has already surfaced.

However, all that who should be our QB non-sense will immediately evaporate when the vaunted Brett justifies his cool $12M salary by tossing touchdowns and leading the Vikes to victory after victory.

Viking Management signed Favre to a lucrative deal because they think #4’s still got what it takes to win in the NFL. Barring injury, Brett will win, schisms will be quickly forgotten and fanatic Favre faithful will become….. even more fervent!

Straight talk. No static.
This is MIKE – thee American made voice on sports!

Who Am I?

2009-09-01T07:47:00.000-04:00

MIKE here.

Originally created as Michael Anthony Raffone, I now just go by MIKE.

No last name. Just MIKE.

Like Lebron, Tiger and Shaq, I don’t need a last name.

Sports fans everywhere know me, and chicks love my bowtie!

Why am I so famous? And why does the Media refer to me as Thee Long Awaited Microphone Messiah…poised to save America from its own self-induced sports coma?

Because NOBODY knows more about sports than me….and NOBODY reports on sports in the ridiculously honest way I do!

You see, I was built to be THEE man with THEE big voice on sports!

Fans love me because I always report on what I know, what I see and what I think in my straight talk, no static style! Plus, I'll make you laugh too!

So, sports fans. . . LOOK for me, LISTEN for me and LOVE me for who I AM…

THEE American Made Voice on Sports!

MIKE